Monday, October 22, 2007

DIAGNOSIS: Failure

I'm not even sure where to begin, other than to say that my heart is heavy today. Perhaps for some obvious reasons; perhaps for some subtle reasons. But the bottom line is this: I'm failing at many things in my life right now, and it's cause for concern. My mental and physical health are suffering due to my failures.

First off, I'm failing to maintain this blog efficiently. I miss writing. Unfortunately, due to recent life changes, I've had to evaluate my priorities and blogging does not sit at the top. Oh sure, I still love to visit blogs and I'd love to have more time to write, (I mean, to really write something that requires thought), but to be honest, I think my blog may be nearing its end. My traffic has diminished greatly in the last several weeks and I'm not 100% sure why. I suspect it's because I haven't been "visiting" the blogosphere as much, nor leaving comments like I have in the past; that, combined with my lack of excitement as far as personal posts go is probably the reason for the diminishing visitor numbers.

Secondly, I'm failing in many ways as a wife and mother. While I am thoroughly enjoying my job, there are days where I struggle to maintain an orderly household. Thankfully, my boys do not appear to be suffering as a result of my return to work. On the contrary, I've spoken with both of their teachers in the past week about how they've been doing since I returned to work, and it hasn't affected them at school at all. In fact, Mitchell's teacher said that if I hadn't advised her of my new job, she'd never would have known, based on Mitchell's behavior. She said that most kids struggle in school for a short time (or long time) after their parent returns to work, but he hasn't. Both she and Ty's teacher report all is well in school land. And for that, Wayne and I are grateful; because he and I agreed that my work stint would be short-lived if it was affecting the boys in a negative way. And my check-ins with Wayne regarding my attitude and behaviors at home have proven to be with positive results. Positive in the sense that he's affirming me and encouraging me in how our family is functioning as a whole since I returned to work. And if I think about it realistically . . . everyone is still fed well, clothed in clean clothes and are still having group and individual mommy/wife time. So, maybe I'm not failing in this area as much as I think I am. Sometimes, it just feels that way.

Thirdly, I'm failing in the area of hope and faith. Thomas (my stepson) called us last night to inform us that he's bailing out of the program he's currently in (to help him become functional in the real-world despite his RAD diagnosis), and moving in with his birth mom. For any of you who have not read my other blog entitled, My Life is RADical, this may not make a whole lot of sense to you. If you'd like to subscribe to that private blog, please leave a comment and I'll set you up. If you read the entire story about us and Thomas and his RAD diagnosis, you'll understand why Wayne and I have huge concerns about his plans to live with his mom. This issue is weighing heavily on my heart. Wayne and I both feel somewhat helpless due to the fact that Saskatchewan's Department of Social Services is Thomas' legal guardian, and our hands are tied in decisions such as these when it comes to where Thomas lives. Fortunately, Thomas' worker does not support his idea to move in with his mom, but there's not much she can do to stop him since he's over 16 years old. This is the story in brief, and I hope that those of you who are reading this can make sense of what's going on and sense my desperation and anxiety surrounding Thomas' decision. Ultimately, all Wayne and I can do is leave Thomas in the hands of God and trust that His will be carried out in his life. But that's extremely difficult to do when we very well know that Thomas does not desire to seek God's will right now. All I can say is please pray.

Related to the above issue, I've been struggling a lot with guilt lately over the fact that Thomas does not reside with us anymore. Last night after Thomas' phone call, I was overcome with an anxiety/panic attack because of my guilt. I was his only mother-figure from the time he was 6 until recently, when his birth mom re-entered his life. Despite Wayne's assurances that we did what was best for the entire family, I'm not always convinced of that and it may very well be I second-guess our decisions regarding Thomas for the rest of my life. I'm praying that God will release me from my guilt. I love Thomas and only want what's best for him. God knows that but I'm just having trouble trusting Him in this right now.

Aside from my spiritual and emotional body struggling in the last week or so, my physical body is struggling too. In summer I was diagnosis with being borderline vitamin B-12 deficient, so I've been attempting to increase those levels so that a more serious problem doesn't develop in the future. My B-100 complex vitamin supplement is definitely helping with my energy level, but I have yet to be tested by my doctor since the initial test results, so I'm not sure what's really going on. I'm also experiencing a weird heart-beat issue, which I'm not entirely sure what to make of. From the research I've done, it's probably nothing and apparently is considered "normal" for some people. My heart is "skipping" beats, and I can actually tell when this is happening. And sometimes when this occurs, I also have shortness of breath. This happens when I'm just sitting . . . not when I'm doing anything physically intensive. It's strange. I feel "off" and I'm not sure what's going on, but it's a bit unnerving, to say the least. From my research so far, I could very easily conclude that these heart palpitations are caused by too much caffeine, or too much stress, both of which have increased in my daily life in the last few weeks, that's for sure. So, I'm going to attempt to see a doctor sometime in the near future. I just hope that the heart issue actually happens when I see her . . . I can't make it happen on demand. It just happens, with no forewarning. So, there's another prayer request. Please pray for my health.

And now, my biggest failure is about to be revealed. My personal time with God is suffering. It's not that I can't or don't make time for Him . . . I just feel dry spiritually and I'm not sure how to get through this desert. I've experienced this before and eventually I'm back on track again and no longer feel this distant from Him. So, my head knows that it's likely just a short-term thing, but my heart doesn't. Like I said at the beginning of this post, my heart feels heavy. Yesterday's sermon at church was about living with the Fruit of the Spirit in our lives. I so desperately want that. I want all of the fruit . . . not just some of it. And right now it feels like I'm mediocre at best when it comes to living up to God's standards in this area

So, there it is. My heart on a string.


10 comments:

e-Mom said...

The Lord brought you to mind today, as I stood at my ironing board pressing a mountain of clothes. You're in my prayers. :~)

I assumed your blogging would taper off when you went back to work. Don't worry, we miss you, but blogging is way down the list of priorities for all of us Moms!

It sounds like your health needs attention. I trust the Lord will lead you to proper medical care, and direct you to help to relieve your stress.

I'll check in again when I see your posts pop up in Bloglines.

Hugs, e-Mom

Anonymous said...

I am confident that everything will work out. You have been through as (or more) trying times before, and your have triumphed...you are a strong person, who knows that god is there not only to guide but to help.
Have you considered the B12 shot? It doesn't hurt that much and it may get your levels up to an okay level that you can help maintain with B vits. On a plus side the B vits will help with all your stress :)))
Not that you have time for this now....but you may want to start making double batches of meals...and freezing the other half...I find that seems to help out...once you get your head above water, you may want to take a Saturday afternoon (say when your boys are busy playing outside etc) and spend the afternoon cooking and filling the freezer...then at least every other night...dinner can be taken care of and you can spend that precious after school time having fun with your boys...instead of worrying about making supper?
Take care...
GFC

Chris said...

what a brave soul you are! For bearing your heart and soul to us, who pray and care and uphold, even though we aren't with you physically. And we will. Jesus still quietly walks with you too. He enjoys every minute you spare Him, and is not condemning the moments you are not overtly focused on Him. He waits with us, holds us, steers us and anchors us.

I too am missing that thirst for Jesus... for His presence and for His word. Why do I let this happen? Pray for me as I pray for you too. (ugh... MWSmith came to mind... cheezy 80's synth running through my head) =)

Also, you know you've done everything you saw fit to do while Thomas lived with you. The things that you may regret have been forgiven and forgotten by your Father. You too can rise past them and continue to love and pray for Thomas. God is competent to take care of him now.

With an e-hug, Chris

Kimmy said...

Hey, everyone. Thanks for the supporting words of encouragement. Within 30 minutes of publishing my post, a very good friend of mine (whom I know in "real" life) called me to chat . . . thanks, Song of Joy!

GFC . . . do we know each other? I'm baffled by your initials and I'd love for your identity to be revealed.

Kimmie said...

Kimmy

Sending you a hug and praying for you!

I pray that God will reveal himself to you, that you would know his peace and rest in your life and that He would fill you with joy unspeakable. May you turn your heart and anxieties over to him that he may bring you his comfort and wisdom into each of those situations. May you enter into thanksgiving and praise, that the darkness and dry time might flee and that it may be replaced with Light and peace in its place. Lord, reach down and touch Kimmy, walk beside her, fill her, go before her and bless her indeed.

In Jesus' name I pray-amen


Kimmie
mama to 6
one homemade and 5 adopted

Becky said...

Awe Kim. No words. Just (((((HUGS)))) and prayers. And lots of love.

stacey said...

i will come back later for more encouragement. at work and got on quick to read a few people. you are NOT a failure; just a mom who needs to revitalize herself! will be thinking of ya and praying for you!! selfishly, i say don't go away...we need you!

{Karla} said...

I'm praying for you Kim.

We all struggle with thoughts just like these. And the fact that you can write about it and admit it is such a blessing to so many women who are going through the same things.

email if you want to "talk"

Hugs and blessings,
Karla

Kristy said...

Sweet, sweet Kim.
Know that I am praying for you.
There is nothing like His word; when that becomes our top priority everything else seems to fall into place. Really.
Love you sweet friend.

michelle said...

Kim, please don't give up on your blog. I don't know about how others feel, but really, any updates you are able to post are great to read. People understand that there are things of greater importance than updating and maintaining a blog in people's lives, and that their families, work, and other obligations need to take priotity. I haven't exactly been posting on a regular basis lately either, due to so many things going on around our home as well. This is one season, and there may come a time in the future where you will have more time to devote to your blog.

I truly hope that you find the hope, healthcare, and time that you need to begin healing and find peace in all areas of your life. Do keep us updated, no matter how infrequently, to let everyone know how you are doing. I have a feeling that you have more readers and people praying for you than you realize. Some of us read your blog via a reader of some sort, and it may not record on your blog stats.

Michelle
www.northofthe49.com