Monday, May 14, 2012

Every Now and Then

I'm going to start my thankful list first, and then I'll tell you how I (really) am . . .

406.  The gift of Knowing I Have Only 20 More Days to Go to Work before the summer break.

407.  The gift of Helping One of My Boys Edit their Very First Book Report.

408.  The gift of Being Able to Read My Bible when I Desperately Need God-time in the midst of a tough day.

Well, all the glory of Mother's Day came to abrupt halt today.  My patience wore thin early on as I struggled to explain a new math concept to Ty.  There's been a lot of yelling in the house today . . . yelling at the dogs, yelling at brothers, yelling at a mother, yelling at sons.  Thankfully, no yelling at a husband or father - Wayne has somehow dodged the fiery word arrows today. 

I think I need to go spend some time in The Word.

I am starting to feel the effects of trying to be everything to all people.  And I know that generally speaking, this has not been the case for the majority of the year--it just seems to be a phenomenon that is flooding my world right at this moment, and has been building over the past few weeks as my roles in ministry, friendships, parenting, work (both at my job and responsibilities at home), have been taking their toll on my emotional state.  Today, I feel overwhelmed.  Today, I feel exhausted.  I am counting down the days until I am done work, which is 20 work days in total - but those days are interspersed between now and June 27th.  I pray for endurance, patience and the ability to finish well, even if my students have other ideas.

I'll say it again--I need to go spend some time in The Word.

My other issue is something I'm reluctant to mention, for fear of sounding vain, but I am beginning to look "old" and I don't like it.  My skin is forming wrinkles and is losing its elasticity; my hair is thinning and in my opinion, looks horrible.  Flab is beginning to form on parts of my body that were once toned. 

I was trying out some hairstyles with a virtual hairstyler earlier today, and I found a couple of styles that I really like, but of course, when I mention the "h" word (haircut) around any person of the male persuasion in my household (which is everyone but me), they practically hyperventilate.  Well, not really, but they don't want me to cut my hair, even though I think that part of why I think I look older is because of my hairstyle, hair color, hair condition, whatever.  They don't seem to understand.  But how can they?  They are "men" (big and little) and for some reason they have been brainwashed to think that women are more beautiful when they have longer hair.  I have not taught them this, but their dad probably has to some degree.  I hate this mentality and it's just causing much dismay for me.  I know I am my own person, but I also want to be attractive to my husband, and I don't ever want him to be embarrassed to be seen with me because I have the "wrong" haircut, which, in his mind, is a short haircut.  I've had very short hair over the past 16 years since we've known each other, but for some reason, this issue of long hair being his "preference" has only revealed itself in the past year or so.

I have now come to realize this is probably the stupidest post I've ever written, but I think I'll still publish it.  I fear you will all judge my husband to be a male chauvinist pig, which he isn't--he just prefers my hair to be longer.

That's my world today.

I'm going to go read my Bible now.

Here are some lyrics to a song by the group FFH, which spoke to me tonight.  It's called, "Every Now and Then" and it is one of my favorite songs.  Not only are the lyrics beautiful, but the musical score is as well.

Every now and then I get
a little tired of my reflection
and I want to break the mirror
And every now and then I get
blinded by my own perception
and I need to see you clearer.
But you have always told me
you`ll always be there.
You are only one prayer away.
Every now and then
you whisper peace to me
with your tender words
unexpectedly . . .

P.S.  As I was writing this post, the boys were having WWIII outside the office door.  The puppy we're looking after for the week had an accident.  And I felt like crying.  But, both boys came and apologized for their part in the arguments of the day, and I apologized too.  


Michelle said...

Oh Kim! I hear you in practically every comment you made and completely understand where you are coming from.

I'm not sure if I have any advice to provide. I wish I did, but some days just end up like that. I remember the very stressful homeschool days and my older two always seemed to be at odds. It has taken years for them to learn to get along, but now they love one another very much.

As for growing older...I'm just a few years older than you, but throwing a third baby into the mix at 41 seems to have really taken its toll on me. I feel like I should look and feel so much younger than I do, but the grey hair is creeping in, the hair loss after the baby has never seemed to bounce back to where it was, and my body just isn't what it used to be. I try to be at peace with where I am in life, but this is the first time where I have struggled with getting older.

Hang in there. You are almost to the end of your school year, where you can achieve that sense of head-clearing freedom and maybe be able to work through some of these things.


~Rain``` said...

I am glad you vented on your post. Your JOY DARE is showing that even with a bad day, you can be thankful. What a great lesson for me, especially when I am freaking out at everyone!

I understand about the long hair. My husband would probably freak out!

And I can relate about looking older. For the longest time, my skin was quite wrinkle free, but recently so many have crept up around my eyes. The other day, my Mom suggested I use some age-defying cream. :( I guess my Mom has noticed!!!

Lovella said...

Hey Kim, totally can relate to the getting older thing. Sometimes I hate looking in the mirror even though I know that for my age I have pretty great skin (thanks to my obsessive compulsive use of Mary Kay skin products!!). If Wayne is really opposed to your cutting your hair maybe try a different color. Sometimes a change just makes a person feel better! I think you're BEAUTIFUL!!!

Thanks for posting the words to that song. They were really beautiful! And maybe you are taking on too much. Take time over the summer to evaluate that and prioritize. I'm hear if you need someone to bounce ideas off of.

As for kids fighting, this is normal. They'll work through it but I know how frustrating it can be. Bethany and Tanner used to bicker constantly. It would drive me crazy! I was ready to put them both in school (which shows how bad it was!) Then, all of a sudden, it stopped, and now they're good friends. It just took some growing up on both their parts.

As far as Ty's math goes, if you want help you can send me what he's working on and maybe if I think I could help we could have a skype conference.

Love you, Lovella