My last post was written just moments after the fact that I found out my husband wasn't chosen for the job he applied for. Moments . . . moments where my anger got the better of me . . . moments where where I felt I had just been dealt the worst hand ever . . . moments where I was experiencing disappointment, fear, uncertainty and dismay.
I removed the post a couple of hours after I posted it for a number of reasons, but mostly because I was concerned about what you would think of me. I mean really, just a couple of posts before that one, I quoted a statement on trusting God, and my post was a complete rejection of that concept. I will be re-posting that post, for the sake of posterity. It serves as a reminder to me of how deeply I felt about the rejection that my husband endured, even though it seems that the rejection has wounded me more than it has him. Sometimes I need to re-read those things later in life as a reminder to me of where we've been and how far we've come. So yes, to those of you who have questioned where that post "went", it will reappear as soon as I post what you are currently reading.
Over the past several days I have come to realize that what happened after receiving the bad news that Wayne did not get the job, I had a temper tantrum directed at my Heavenly Father. I didn't get what I wanted and didn't understand why He was holding back on something that I thought I needed to have happen. As I reflected on that image of God as my Father and me as His child, with Him as the disciplinarian and me as the one who is to trust that He has His best interest in mind for me (us), it reminded me of that very same thing I do with my own children. My boys do not get everything they want. And I'm sure it was just last week that I was explaining to them that even though they ask their Dad and I for things, we don't always grant their requests, because we are older and wiser and know what's best for them right then. I tell them they'll understand this someday when they're older and have children of their own. I do not want my children to grow up being spoiled. And I'm sure God feels the same way about me. If He gave me everything I had ever asked for, my life would be a mess, and surely my dependence on Him would not be as great. And even though I still do not understand why this job was withheld from Wayne, I do have a greater sense of what God's role is in all of this.
This week I have had to come to a point of surrender, seeking God's forgiveness for not trusting Him in this like I thought I was, or should have been; lip service is all I was really giving God, and He desires a pure, obedient heart. I didn't give Him that.
I'm not saying that Wayne didn't get the job because of me. I'm just saying that God used this situation to teach me something (again), that has been a reoccurring theme in my life for the past 32 years--He is in control. He knows what is best for me. I don't have to worry about the future because God is already there.
Will this be tested? Yes, of course. Satan just loves to sink his dirty claws into my being, telling me lies like "God doesn't care" or, "This is your fault", or "You'll never be truly worthy to receive what you ask of God." Satan does that. He is a destroyer. Fortunately for me, my God is more powerful than those lies and He will help me overcome my fears, doubts and worries.
Do not think that I have this whole "trust in God" thing under control. I don't. And I certainly have no more answers now than I did when I wrote that post on Monday about why my husband has to remain at his current place of employment where he is not finding joy in his job. We may never know in this lifetime why God orchestrated these last couple of weeks the way He did. But I'm hoping that in a years' time, when I go back and re-read my posts from the last week, that I will have gained a slight understanding of God's plan for us.
I am truly trying to find the positive in this and this is what I've come up with thus far: firstly, my husband is employed and even though his job isn't exactly everything he wants it to be, it's a job. It puts food on our table and a roof over our heads; secondly, my husband loves me and the boys. He hasn't quit or given up on us. He is still hopeful for a job where he had the interview, and will continue to apply there as opportunities arise; Thirdly, my husband's current place of employment has put him on a shift of straight days--for how long is unknown, but we will rejoice in the fact that we currently have a "normal" family life, with no shift-work to contend with.
This past week several situations in the lives of my friends (both in-person and blogging friends), have made me step back and evaluate my own situation in light of theirs. I am not currently experiencing the loss of an unborn baby . . . my marriage is not on the brink of falling apart . . . my parent did not just pass away after struggling for years with illness . . . my one-year old baby is not fighting for his life right now. This is the reality of life that many around me are currently faced with. My problem pales in comparison to what they are experiencing. I have new perspective and a new outlook.
As life continues, I'll say it again as I've said it before . . . the theme of my life is: God is Faithful.