Friday, January 4, 2008

When Life Makes No Sense

I have spent much of my day in tears. My hopes and expectations regarding a significant part of my life were dashed this morning as I was given news that I did not expect and definitely didn't want to hear. While I am unable to go into specific details surrounding this (and believe me, I wish I could; this post would make a lot more sense if I could tell you everything . . . but I can't), a decision was made today which has impacted me immensely. It has made me question God's timing and purpose for me and it has caused me to do a lot of soul-searching and reflection on who I am and whom I belong to.

I am feeling unworthy of anything right now. I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone in this world and that my efforts to impact anyone have been futile. I am hurting not because of the decision that was made, but rather over why the decision was made. Why was I not chosen? Why can I not seem to "fit" in? Why do people judge me (us)? Why can't I break barriers and communicate effectively? Why was I led to hope in something that was never meant to be? What is wrong with me that I only have two true friends (aside from amazing sisters) in this world? Why, God?

Fifteen to twenty years ago I struggled with huge self-esteem issues. Now, at the age of 35 the same issues seem to be re-surfacing . . . but for what? So that my boys can witness their mother in tears? So that my husband can struggle to understand a hyper-sensitive, overly-emotional wife? So that my mom can listen to her adult daughter cry on the other end of the phone? So that my best friend has no good advice to give but she knows exactly how I'm feeling?

I know I'm not capable of seeing the Big Picture. I know that God's plans are bigger than mine. But how does one process the negative result that appeared to be so God-driven and God-led? I prayed. God answered "No." But He didn't give an explanation. And I really would like one right now.

Patience is a virtue which I currently do not possess.

Tonight I forced myself to take my boys to our monthly kid's club at church where I have faithfully volunteered for four years. The "theme" this evening was about fear and how God will provide strength and courage when we are afraid, or, as the memory verse puts it, "when our hearts are troubled." My heart is troubled right now. Very troubled.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me." John 14:1

Right now I feel like my capacity for trust is maxed out. I'm in a bad frame of mind. My self-worth is near an all-time low. I want to escape.

I'm going to go listen to It Is Well With My Soul.


Kristy said...

Oh sweet, beautiful Kimmy !!!!!
My heart aches for you. I don't have any great words here, and I hear you loud on clear on the whole 'life sometimes doesn't make sense'.
Know that our God is a big enough God to handle it, whether that be your whys to your cries out to Him......Trusting Him.
Praying for you as I type ~ consider yourself hugged....not just from me, but from all of us who read your blog - and love you.

Mel said...

Dear Kim,

I have been where you are and know full well the disappointment of God saying NO, with no explanation or redirection. A friend brought me to Ps.16:5 "The Lord is the portion of my inheritance and my cup;You support my lot." She shared with me her journey of finding contentment where God had her. I realized that the Lord was trying to teach me how to be content with all aspects of my life. I pray that you will be comforted and that you will know of His unfailing love for you! Don't believe the lies of the enemy. You are valued, you are worthy, you are more precious and more treasured than you can imagine.
Claim the verse: Phil 4:8

Hang in there sister~ you will be in my prayers!

blessings on you.......

Kimmie said...

Hi Kimmy;

I wish I could pop over and give you a big hug. I am sorry you are hurting and that you have questions...God is big enough to shoulder your hurts. I know I don't know the details, but I know that God loves you and has a plan and purpose for your life. Perhaps he has greater things coming for you, things that he destined from the beginning of the world -just for you.

praying for understanding and peace for you.
I love that hymn too, it is my very favorite.

mama to 6
one homemade and 5 adopted

Chris said...

I'll be lifting you up this week, praying that God encloses you in His love and sustains you in a weary, frustrating & confusing time.

Carol said...

Dear Kim,
I am praying for you. Know that you have more friends than you know, and that you are not alone in your anguish.