I've had one experience in my life where I've actually "heard" God speak to me in such a way that I knew, without a doubt, it was Him. What He asked me to do seemed wrong to me. So wrong. At the time, it did not make a whole lot of sense. It meant quitting my job, moving out of the apartment I shared with my best friend, and returning to Bible College. Looking back, this is one of the best steps of faith I've ever taken. But it was hard. At the time it didn't seem right. But I heard God's voice and I followed Him. And my life was forever changed.
I wish God would speak to me like that right now. I'm seeking God's guidance and direction in a certain area of my life at the moment, and I'm not hearing Him. Or maybe it's just that I'm not listening; because if I listen closely enough (and really, it doesn't matter which answer He gives me), I'm going to feel unsettled about it. My faith is smaller than a mustard seed right now and that's really bothering me. I don't know if I trust God enough with my future, with the future of my family, to allow Him to speak to me. I guess I'm scared of His answer. On one hand I want Him to answer in one way . . . the way in which I will continue to feel secure in my current life. But on the other hand, I want Him to answer the other way, which means a complete and total dependence on Him. The second answer definitely requires more faith and trusting out of me and that's why I'm scared He will answer that way. . . my faith is weak. My trust is low.
I know this doesn't make a whole lot of sense because I haven't revealed the issue at hand. But it's too personal to reveal on a public blog. (It's times like this that I think a private blog would be more appropriate for me, because, as you all know, I like to reveal what's on my heart, and sometimes that's hard to do in such a public place as the Internet). I would just really appreciate your prayers as Wayne and I seek God's direction pertaining to this issue.
Discerning what is of God and what is of Satan is difficult. I am in God's word daily. I pray for guidance. But I am questioning how my own humanness comes into play regarding this particular decision and how much of it is my thoughts and how much of it is God's direction.
Okay. This is sounding "officially muddled". I'll quit while I'm ahead. But I really do cherish your prayers. Thank you.