Monday, May 28, 2007

My Life is an Open Book

A potentially life-altering decision has been eating away at me for quite some time now. It's something that, if pursued, would affect my entire family, but mostly, it would affect me. It's usually something I want; but sometimes it's something I don't want. It's something I would ultimately consider a blessing, but others would consider a burden. It's a decision that Wayne and I must make together because it would affect both of us greatly.

Because this "something" has been on our minds so much without a clear decision in sight, several weeks ago I asked God to take away my desire for this "something", if it wasn't part of His plan for us. I finally gave Him total and complete control over my emotions surrounding this decision. And I am happy, yet a bit sad, to report, that my desire for this "something" seems to decreasing more and more each day. Without this potential something taking up a large portion of my thought life, I have to wonder what I'm to fill that part of my brain with now? I believe that my heart and soul will be at peace over this matter by the time summer is over. And I'm thankful for that. But there is a part of me that will grieve over "what could have been."

I know I've been ambiguous about what this "something" is, but I'm not ready to reveal it just yet. Some intuitive minds out there may have already figured it out, but for the rest of you I'm leaving you in the dark.

Life feels overwhelming to me at the moment. Partly because of the "something" that's been consuming my thoughts, but also, other life issues as well. As I've shared in previous posts, it seems like since we moved to the acreage, we've had one financial setback after another, mostly due to things breaking down and requiring repairs. I keep asking myself when this will end? But then I'm reminded of the fact that this is how our life was before we moved here (to some degree), so why should I expect it to be any different now?

I'm struggling with whether or not I should pursue consistent employment, or if I should just wait out the storm that we seem to be in . . . I love my substitute Educational Assistant/substitute Secretary job at our school, but there is no consistency with the number of days I work each month. In March I worked 2 days; in April I worked 0 days; and in May I've worked 7 days so far. That only leaves June and then summer holidays start.

I'm trying desperately to leave this in the hands of the Father. But it's hard for me to trust Him sometimes. Wayne and I strongly believe in the importance of my being at home for the boys--getting them off to school and being here when they get home. With Wayne's shift work, the boys already see less of their dad than we'd all like, and to put them into a situation where they see their other parent less as well isn't ideal. My best friend keeps questioning me, "How are you doing this? How can you live off of just Wayne's income?" She and her husband both work and yet they find it difficult to make ends meet. My reply to her usually is: "I'm not sure, but somehow we are." That's true. Somehow, we make it. From month to month we get through. God is taking care of us. And I guess I need to keep trusting that He will in the future as well.

I often wonder why God gives us the struggles (financial), despite the fact that we are trying to honor Him in how we are parenting our children, by being available to them as much as possible. And because I don't work at a regular job with a consistent income, we have to make alterations to our spending, limiting some activities we'd like to participate in, and keep the mentality of living with less. I can live with less if it means my boys are being raised by my husband and I rather than a daycare provider. I can live with less if it means that I'm the first one to see my boys in the morning and the last one to tuck them in at night. They're worth it. But there are times that I wish I could breath a financial sigh of relief.

I know I shouldn't complain. And maybe I'm revealing too much. But I'm sure there are others of you out there who struggle with these same thoughts and feelings. We have it so good compared to families in many other parts of the world. I feel guilty because of the life I was born into and am now living.

God is working things out. I'm just unable to see the big picture. I often wish that God would hand me a book detailing my future. Then I'd be able to see the big picture more clearly. But I suppose that would leave little to my (vivid) imagination about what our future holds, whether it be the blessings or the trials that we may face in the days ahead.

6 comments:

Krystal said...

If God gave us a map of what our future is gonna be, there'd be no need for faith. No need to trust God. I'm in the same situation financially, not being able to have the things we want, and having to reprioritize things. It's hard, but we get through it. We just keep right on trucking. Trusting God and asking God to let us make it through.

Kristy said...

Love the comment above, could not of said it any better.
We too are in the same situation, but you know what? He ALWAYS provides, doesn't He?
We tend to get caught up in what we don't have, or all that others do have.....and yet, do we truly realize how incredibly blessed we are?
Sometimes I have to take a step back to see just that.
To know that we are making an impact on our childrens future, an eternal impact........wow.
Being a momma is the most important job for us right now....makes all the 'stuff' pale in comparison.
...okay......did any of that make sense???
Sorry if I'm rambling!!
**hugs**

Kristy said...

Okay, I'm back again....
If you get a minute, go read todays post (29th) at:
www.especiallyheather.com/

All I can say is...wow.

Kimmy said...

Krystal and Kristy: Thanks for the encouragement. And yes, Krystal, I connected to the link you suggested and I feel a bit better now. Thanks for directing me there.

Kimmy said...

Oops. . . I mean, KRISTY, I connected to the link YOU suggested. Thanks!

e-Mom said...

Excellent thoughts above! Krystal and Kristy (like a poem) have said it all. I'm at the other end of things... I've lived through where you now are and survived. It was hard, really hard at times, but I just took it one day at a time. There are indeed sacrifices and choices to make, but my husband and I have always tried to keep our eyes on eternity. Lol, we're still learning.

It takes many years to grow in trust in faith that God will provide our material needs as SAMS. So give yourself some time. :~)