Wednesday, February 7, 2007

A Random Hodge-Podge of Miscellaneous Thoughts & Concerns

Where do I begin? I've got lots to say but nothing really important. I think this post will be just for me to vent about the current events in my life. Please bear with me.

1. The car.
a) When I posted last week about my car "dying", I meant it. It is really dead. We had it towed to our mechanic today, thinking that if we had to pay $300-$500 to have it fixed, we'd manage; but as it turns out, the engine has seized up, due to an oil leak which found its way into the engine. Bottom line: $2,500 or more for a used engine, other parts and labor. I'm not sure if the car is even worth that much! The last time we checked the black book figure, our car was only worth $3,300 and that was a couple of years ago. So now we need to decide how to proceed from here. If we don't have the mechanic fix the car, we will need to tow it back to our acreage, which will pose another problem. Our insurance only covers one tow per mechanical failure, and today's tow would have cost us $166.00 without insurance. I'm so frustrated by this right now and Wayne's at work. I can't even discuss this with him. Wayne hasn't even received the bad news about the car yet, because he was already gone when the mechanic called with the verdict. He's not going to be happy, and I'm sure this is going to come as a huge shock to him.
b) Next issue, but still car-related. I was really enjoying the fact that I once again had my car back. Like I posted previously, I spent over a year without access to a vehicle while Wayne was at work, and during that time I always felt "trapped" in a way, because I always knew in the back of my mind that I didn't possess a certain sense of freedom because of a lack of wheels. When we bought the truck and the car became mine again, I was happy to know that my freedom was back. And now it's gone. Who knows when or if it will ever return.

2. My dogs.
a) Our new dog, B.J., has discovered the end of our driveway which leads to a somewhat busy road. He and Harpo keep wandering off down the driveway and onto the road. If a vehicle stops at the stop sign, the dogs run up to the vehicle and wag their tails and just stand there, smack-dab in the middle of the road, preventing the vehicle from proceeding forward. I've never claimed to have smart dogs, but this is ridiculous! As a result of their behavior, the dogs' freedom to roam has been reduced. My dogs are spending more time in the porch or on a chain that I had hoped, mainly for their own safety. I'm not sure how to remedy this problem. None of my dogs "grew up" on the farm, and none of them "know" about vehicle avoidance and the potential dangers of a moving truck or car.
b) My oldest dog, Sasha, the mother of my puppies, died last week. I haven't even told anyone about it, because I'm still trying to process it all. Obviously Wayne and the boys know, and they took it better than I thought they would. But I haven't shared this information with my friends. I actually feel numb inside and I'm very, very sad. But I'm trying to think of all the good things about having Sasha. It's been quite a few years since I've lost a pet and since I am such a dog-lover, I'm finding this difficult to deal with.

3. Supplemental Income
a) In our entire married life (and my life prior to that, obviously), I have contributed financially to our household income. My income has come from sources both outside and inside of our home (i.e. I've worked in the professional world as well as running my own daycare and raising dogs for selling). Since moving to the acreage, my earnings have ceased. I'm really struggling with this, not so much because I need to work for financial reasons (although a $2,500 + car repair bill may change that), but it's more for my own sense of worth, I guess. That probably sounds odd, but it's hard for me to not be a "contributor" in the financial sense. Since I've always been a "contributor", it's challenging for me to accept that my financial contribution may or may not still be needed. My husband has not made me feel inferior in any way by not contributing financially. In fact, he's been working a lot of extra hours in order to prevent me from having to get a job. It's just me. I guess I created some sense of "worth" while I was contributing, and now that part of me doesn't exist. I'm still working through this. My dream has always been to be a "Stay-at-home-mom" and that's been fulfilled in many ways, but I've always had some sort of "job on the side" even while I've been at home.
b) Now, having said all that, I've got a job interview tomorrow at the school where the boys attend. It's for an Instructional Associate position in the grade 3 and 4 classroom. I applied because I "sensed" God's urging me to do so. I tried to ignore His "still small voice" but couldn't. So I applied, not expecting anything to come of it. Well, I was wrong and now I've got an interview. Of course I realize that just because I have an interview doesn't mean I've got the job. But I'm trying to make sense of everything in light of the recent events with the car.
i) When I applied for the job, the car was working fine. I knew that I needed the car in order to take the job, so I didn't question whether or not the car would be in working order when the position began.
ii) I received notification of my interview a couple of days after the car broke down. But with two weeks to go until the position started, I was thinking that the car would be fixed by then. I was wrong again. The car isn't fixed now, and likely won't be fixed prior to the position's start date.
iii) If God wants me to have this job, why did the car break down and why is it costing so much to repair it? Even if I do get the job, I won't make enough money to repair the car. The position is a term position until the beginning of April, and there's no way I'll earn $2,500 in that amount of time.
iv) I've got this interview tomorrow and I'm debating whether or not I should even go. How's it going to look if I get hired and then in 1 1/2 weeks when I'm supposed to start, I can't get to work because my car doesn't work. On the other hand, how is it going to look to the potential employer if I back out of the interview the same day it's scheduled for? I'm sure there's no future with them if I do that (in the event another position opens up and I can actually get to work with a car).
v) This dilemma is really bothering me. No kidding! The question of the day: Do I go to the interview or gracefully bow out? A huge part of me is hoping that I don't get the job, but I'm not even sure how many other candidates there are for the position. I'm by no means educated for the position, but I do have a lot of experience working with kids in various settings.
vi) Could this all just be a test from God? I'm wondering. Is He testing my patience, my obedience, my faith in Him, my ability to trust Him completely with my future? I wish I had the answer. I wish God would leave a comment on this post and tell me what to do.
Am I totally stupid? Why can't I come to my own decision on this? I feel anxious enough over the entire interview process . . . I didn't need the car issues on top of everything else. Please God, guide and direct me.
For those of you who are thinking this is a weird post, I myself would have to agree. I contemplated not even sending it to publish, but maybe someone out there has some prophetic words of guidance that I'm needing to hear.


Song of Joy said...

Hi Kim. I'm glad you posted your thoughts. I will pray for you today. I would say that if God 'led' you to apply for the position, I would follow it through to the end. God has been known to provide transportation in unforseen ways before. If you get the job, I'm confident God will provide you the way to get there. He IS faithful. I find it very hard when I don't know HOW a situation will be resolved, but God seems to be able to handle all the details even when I can't. A verse for you: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6). Be encouraged today!

Becky said...

Awwww. Sorry to hear about Sasha.