Saturday, March 1, 2008

A Weight Has Been Lifted

You may have noticed that I've changed my blogger template. There's a good reason for this. The darkness in my life (previously my template was a black background), is going away. A huge weight has been lifted and I'm so happy to share that with you.

Since Christmas, there were only two days where I felt truly happy, and those two days were when my mom and sisters went for a very quick visit to see my niece and her baby. It was my "Great Escape". However, upon returning from that trip, a true sense of heaviness overcame me, and last week was one of the worst weeks of my life emotionally.

As I have been asking God for guidance and direction in this area since the beginning of January (you may recall some troubling posts from back then, although I did not reveal the underlying issue at hand), this week it became evident to Wayne and I that my job was proving to be a major source of my heaviness. Since I have began working where I do, my self-esteem has slowly been diminishing to the point of me second-guessing
everything about myself and everything I do. As a result, I was not a very pleasant person to be around. While at work I was able to keep it together; until this week. This week I had two meltdowns at work. After the first one I thought I'd just keep going and didn't really consider leaving the position, even though Wayne and my best friend strongly suggested that I leave. In the words of my best friend she said, "Kimmy, your life is too short to be working in a place that is causing you to feel this way about yourself." I really began to consider what she said, and concluded that yes, she was right. But I went to work for two more days and then had another meltdown. It wasn't a pretty sight.

The heaviness I was experiencing was overcoming every part of me. My feelings of failure in the work place began to overshadow my feelings about myself in general, particularly in the area of being a wife, mother and friend. Honestly, my self-esteem was back to what it was 15 years ago when I was in a very. bad. place. Knowing that I did not wish to return there, Wayne and I decided that for the sake of my mental health, I should resign.

Once I provided my resignation, a sense of relief overtook me. My heart felt lighter and free. My perspective on everything began to change.
In one day. All it took was for me to make the final decision to free myself from something in my life that was bringing me down.

I don't want to make my workplace out to be a horrible place. It wasn't. The problem was that I don't believe I was a good fit for the company's goals. My strengths were not amplified, but rather, my weaknesses were. I felt I could never live up to the expectations placed upon me by both myself and my employers. Before I took the job I felt extremely confident in my abilities as an office assistant. But sometime between September 14th, 2007 and February 26, 2008, that confidence was shattered.

While my resignation has now pushed us into a new level of faith-testing with regards to having our needs met, I am confident that God will provide for us in ways I can't even imagine. This may or may not involve me finding another job. Only God knows that. But for the next two weeks anyway, I am taking a break and catching up on everything that has been neglected in my surroundings for the past six months. Honestly, my house was falling apart. And my only goal each day was to ensure that my husband and boys were clean-clothed and fed. If I accomplished
that beyond my day at work, I was satisfied. Not happy; but satisfied.

So, there's my big reveal. I know more trials are going to come my way . . . but hopefully I can avoid darkness for a while, anyway.

P.S. Thank you for your prayers and encouraging comments!


Kim said...

Wow Kim, when I clicked on your blog this morning and I could instantly feel a brightness. I like the new look and I can sense a renewed peace and hope in you. I will continue to pray as you trust God for whatever the future holds. The song someone posted on your comments is so true "You never let go" I love that song.

Chris said...

Thanks be to Jesus! You have demonstrated great courage. I'm so glad you feel strengthened and lifted. I too will continue to pray for God's provisions for your family and a peace to settle back over your home and life.

{Karla} said...

WONDERFUL!!!!! SO happy to hear that you are feeling encouraged and better.

Big hugs!!

xo~ K

Amy said...

Dear Kimmy, As I sit at home you are on my heart so much of the time. I just love my blogging friends and when they hurt, I hurt. I am so glad you are feeling better. Your honesty is always appreciated. It reminds us that we are not alone in our trials.

You have done what is best for you and your family. It is a huge leap of faith and I will be praying for God's provision. I know what it's like to need money! We always struggle, but manage with God's help.

The song was by Matt Redmon. I personally don't know it, but it was on another friend's blog post that day and I thought we could all use it!

As far as American Idol I like so many of the guys more than the girls. I told my hubby I wish they didn't have to do six guys and six girls because I think there are more talented guys. Oh well, what do I know? LOL! I still think it is just so cool that someone from my little old town is on there! And what a nice guy he is too.

I wish I loved close to you so I could give you a big hug and pray together. You know I love you girl!

stacey said...

so glad you are bright again! i can't wait to hear of all the ways God blesses you and your family!

Story of our Life said...

As you know with my current work situation (or last...hehehe) I had some of the very issues that have affected my mental health beyong describing. I'm sure you kjnow what I mean.

I'm glad to hear you are feeling better and on to bigger and better things...whatever it might be!!!

Hang in there!!!

It takes a great deal of courage!!