God's Voice

I've had one experience in my life where I've actually "heard" God speak to me in such a way that I knew, without a doubt, it was Him. What He asked me to do seemed wrong to me. So wrong. At the time, it did not make a whole lot of sense. It meant quitting my job, moving out of the apartment I shared with my best friend, and returning to Bible College. Looking back, this is one of the best steps of faith I've ever taken. But it was hard. At the time it didn't seem right. But I heard God's voice and I followed Him. And my life was forever changed.

I wish God would speak to me like that right now. I'm seeking God's guidance and direction in a certain area of my life at the moment, and I'm not hearing Him. Or maybe it's just that I'm not listening; because if I listen closely enough (and really, it doesn't matter which answer He gives me), I'm going to feel unsettled about it. My faith is smaller than a mustard seed right now and that's really bothering me. I don't know if I trust God enough with my future, with the future of my family, to allow Him to speak to me. I guess I'm scared of His answer. On one hand I want Him to answer in one way . . . the way in which I will continue to feel secure in my current life. But on the other hand, I want Him to answer the other way, which means a complete and total dependence on Him. The second answer definitely requires more faith and trusting out of me and that's why I'm scared He will answer that way. . . my faith is weak. My trust is low.

I know this doesn't make a whole lot of sense because I haven't revealed the issue at hand. But it's too personal to reveal on a public blog. (It's times like this that I think a private blog would be more appropriate for me, because, as you all know, I like to reveal what's on my heart, and sometimes that's hard to do in such a public place as the Internet). I would just really appreciate your prayers as Wayne and I seek God's direction pertaining to this issue.

Discerning what is of God and what is of Satan is difficult. I am in God's word daily. I pray for guidance. But I am questioning how my own humanness comes into play regarding this particular decision and how much of it is my thoughts and how much of it is God's direction.

Okay. This is sounding "officially muddled". I'll quit while I'm ahead. But I really do cherish your prayers. Thank you.

The New and Improved Me!?!

Crazy me . . .
playing around on Facebook's application called
"Hair Mixer".

This, That and the Other Thing

I've been so uninspired to write lately and I'm afraid this feeling is not going to pass. So . . . I am forcing myself to sit down and let you all know what's been going on around here.

The Deepfreeze
Our area has been hit by extreme weather conditions. It began Sunday night with a mini-blizzard and by Monday we were into -30 C (-22F) temperatures and they just kept plummeting. We currently sit at -37 C (-34 F) and with the windchill, it feels like -46 C (-51F). By Thursday temperatures should be back to normal daytime highs for this time of year, but for now, my house is situated in a super-sonic freezer.

As a result of the extreme temperatures and former blizzard-like conditions, I have not been at work for the past two days, nor have the boys been in school. The school bus is not running tomorrow either (the bus driver just told me he can't even get the bus started) but I really feel like I should make an attempt to go in to work tomorrow and if I do, I'll drop the boys off at school on my way. In all reality, another day of me inside with the boys all day long is going to push our cabin fever into extremes as well.

I have not been in the best of moods today, mostly because I'm PMS-ing, but also because days like this make me reminiscent of last year at this time when I wasn't working at a "real" job. Not that I don't like my "real" job and the benefits it brings to our family for me to be working. I am just moping a bit over the fact that I'd rather be at home a lot of days, just for the pure reason I am much more capable of staying on top of my household duties when I'm actually here and not sitting behind a desk all day.

My Accomplishments
My two days at home have provided me with an opportunity to get things done that I've not been able to stay on top of in the past month or so. Since Saturday (I don't include Sunday in this equation, because on Sunday we had family time and played a four-hour long game of Settlers of Catan--Cities and Knights), I've accomplished the following:
~Finished painting my basement in a beautiful color called Faded Denim. It really compliments the Coal Blue;
~Thoroughly cleaned my fridge and discovered what was creating the awful smell (a rotten orange);
~Cleaned, vacuumed and dusted my living room, dining room and kitchen;
~Cleaned my bathroom (which hadn't been done since right after Christmas--I know, too gross!);
~Did five or six loads of laundry;
~Baked two kinds of cake;
~Made several meals for the freezer for future use;
~Got started on organizing and purging toys in the basement to make room for the next project, which is installing the maple laminate floor;
~And here's the most amazing thing I accomplished . . . I actually read two chapters in a book that I've been trying to get to for a couple of months, Bringing Up Boys by James Dobson. I've read the book before (back in 2001 when Ty was just an infant) and I thought it was time I dug it out again to remind me of the fact that my boys are normal.

Bringing Up Boys
I really struggle to know and understand my boys, simply because of the fact that: a) I am a female; and b) I grew up in a house with four older sisters and one younger brother. I am constantly second-guessing my parenting success or capabilities regarding my boys. And I am very hard on myself when they don't live up to my expectations. I realize that most of the time, my expectations for them and myself are out-to-lunch, but really, I'm just concerned about their futures and how they will turn out as adults. I don't know if other parents obsess over this, but I do. Mine and Wayne's goal is to raise boys that are hard-working, responsible, mature, devoted, faithful, empathetic men who respect women and authority, but most importantly, that love the Lord and follow Him. Is this possible? Wayne works with so many irresponsible males (many between the ages of 18 and 25) who just don't take their jobs or their roles outside of the workplace seriously, and it really scares me. It scares me to think that in just one generation, it has come to this. For the most part, when I graduated 17 years ago, the male population was somewhat more responsible than they are now. Actually, the female population was too. And I don't want to say that the entire younger generation of today are all irresponsible. They're not. But it's a trend I'm noticing as I'm getting older. Maybe that's the problem. I'm getting older and perhaps I expect an 18-year old to take life as seriously as I do? I'm not sure.

Okay, I'm really getting off track. And hopefully I haven't offended anyone.

But the bottom line here is that I'm concerned for my boys. I fear that Wayne and I are not parenting them in a way that will make them successful in the real world. I know they're only 6 and 8, but in 10 short years from now, Mitchell will be graduating. And he was just born. Scary. Yes, I'm scared. And I get myself all stressed out about this stuff and wonder how I'm ever going to see this through.

Weighty Issues
My last topic is that of weight loss. And before I begin, I'll just clarify it's not me that's attempting the weight loss. Although, being surrounded by the people I am, and the fact that they are all trying to lose weight, it has been on my mind quite a bit. For the record, I'm 5 ft. 8 1/2 inches tall (I just measured myself two days ago, and I weigh in at 126 lbs. (I just weighed myself a week-and-a-half ago). According to my stats, my BMI (Body Mass Index) is on the low end of the acceptable/normal range, which suits me just fine. That means I've got some space in the range, in the event that I gain some weight. But for the moment (and I completely hold my breath on this), my metabolism or something is keeping my weight consistent despite the fact that I do very little exercise and my eating habits are anything but great.
Now, after that long introduction, let me tell you why my weight is on my mind. Firstly, two very good friends of mine have recently joined Weight Watchers. They are in it for the second time, and last time they together lost over 50 lbs. in a 4 - 6 month time frame. I was so proud of them! And secondly, the three other women that I work with and see on a daily basis at the office, have all made new years' resolutions to avoid treats, chocolate, coffee, donuts, etc. at all costs. My boss likes to entice us with these sorts of things, and I am now his only ally when it comes to eating unessential, unhealthy food.

So, as you can tell, "weight" has become part of my life. And I admire the five women in my life right now who are making a valiant effort at weight loss. However, the whole weight thing is consuming my mind and I don't like that. When Wayne and I first got married, I weighed myself every morning without fail. I did this until about 3 years ago, when my doctor asked me what I was doing to lose weight, and whatever it was, I should stop, because I was borderline "too skinny" and she advised me not to lose anymore weight. The interesting thing about that whole situation is that I was not, nor have I ever, intentionally tried to lose weight. In my first year of marriage I lost about 10 - 15 pounds. And after Ty was born I lost my pregnancy weight and then some. Which now brings me to the weight I am today. And I've consistently stayed at this weight for the last 3 years, only fluctuating about 1 -2 pounds (upwards, not downwards). The conclusion I've come up with is this: Initially my weight loss was due to stress. Extreme stress. And for more explanation on that, you'd have to read about my life as the mom of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder in my private blog. Secondly, I think I've been blessed with an extremely high metabolism which allows me to eat pretty much whatever I want, and, with minimal exercise, I am able to maintain my weight.

I was really enjoying the fact that I was pleased with my weight and not needing to obsess over a number or count calories. But now, with so many people around me concerned with their weight and eating habits, I'm beginning to wonder if I too should jump on this bandwagon. At least to saying no to treats, chocolate and coffee. What harm could it do? But I just don't know if I've got the will power. In fact, I know I don't have it. But I really don't want to wake up one morning only to realize that I can't fit into my jeans anymore . . . or that I'm suffering from heart disease because I didn't take better care of myself . . . or that I've got high cholesterol or something.

You know what? I've gone on about this long enough. I'm going to stop. But if I gain 10 pounds in the next year, I'll let you know.

Concluding Comments
There you have it. My current thought life. If you have any insight on anything I've posted, please, enlighten me. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Have a great week!

I'm a Great Aunt. No really . . . I am!

Today my niece gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Sydrah Elizabeth.

All is well. And I'm so excited!

I can't wait to see the newest addition to our extended family!

Mulling

I must apologize for not posting a whole lot of anything in the past couple of weeks. Two posts last week regarding our current weather conditions really don't cut it for me, and probably not for most of you either. I hope you're still visiting me though. I don't want to lose any of my blogging buddies due to my lack of posts, whether they are interesting or not.

And honestly, today's post isn't about anything in particular either. I've got a lot mulling around in my head right now, and in the past several weeks a thought will cross my mind and I think to myself, "Hey, I should blog about that." and then I never do.

I think I'm experiencing a bit of the "January Blahs" and I'm looking forward to when this month is over. Not for any particular reason. I just don't like the month of January. Do I have a favorite month? Well, maybe. But I haven't spent a lot of time thinking about that in my lifetime. I'll have to mull that one over in my mind too and get back to you on it. I do know, however, that my favorite season is winter, so that being said, and considering our winters generally start in October and end in March or April, I've got 6 or 7 months to choose from for a favorite.

So, you heard it here first. I have nothing to say. Or maybe my brain is just fried.

Safe and Sound

I don't have much time to blog this morning, but I thought I'd let you all know that Tuesday's storm didn't amount to a whole lot. My family all made it home safe and sound. Praise God!

The Blustery Day

This morning at 8:20 a.m. I got a phone call from the boys' bus driver, informing me that he was somewhat stranded with 7 children (that he had already picked up), due to zero visibility on his route. He asked how things were at our place, but I really couldn't give him an answer. I knew it was windy outside . . . I could hear the wind howling; but our yard is completely surrounded by evergreen trees, so it's quite impossible for me to see what the road is like beyond our driveway. Apparently where he was it was quite bad.

I checked the on-line weather network and highway hot line, but with no major weather warnings indicated for our area, I decided to take the boys to school myself and head off to work. Once I got onto the main grid at the end of our driveway, the weather problems became apparent. But, determined me continued onward and got the boys to school, safe and sound. Then I decided to head into work by way of the highway. Bad idea. The visibility was very poor and the roads were packed with snow and beneath that, ice. So the first opportunity I had to turn onto a grid road that would lead back to our place, I did. I struggled to see but finally made it safely home. Now the boys are still at school; Ty's got bowling practise after school and because of the bus problem earlier in the morning, I have no other choice but to return to town at 3:00 p.m. and pick up the boys. Whether Ty will have bowling or not is yet to be seen.

Here I sit in my very warm, toasty house, almost not knowing what to do with myself. It's been a while since I've had the house to myself. I'm supposed to be at work right now. And I've got lots to do there. But I've also got lots to do here. So, instead of potentially wasting away my day by watching T.V., reading a book, doing a jigsaw puzzle or spending time in Bloggerville, I'm going to try to get caught up on things that are lagging behind around here, namely, housework and laundry. Oh joy.

I just pray that my big man and little men make it home safely from work and school today.

Trying to Tell Me Something

I have a little stand-up booklet of quotes displayed in my kitchen . . . with a new quote or Bible verse to read each day of the year. This week God's really been speaking to me through it. I have been encouraged by this booklet so much in the past, I just can't bear to part with it.

Here's what I've read this week. I hope these words will encourage you too.

We need never shout across the spaces to an absent God. He is nearer than our own soul, closer than our most secret thoughts.
A.W. Tozer

Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are
key moments and life itself is grace.
Frederick Buechner

I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.
Jeremiah 31:3 NRSV

God waits for us in the inner sanctuary of the soul. He welcomes us there.
Richard J. Foster

God's will for my life is not a neat box on the path, but the path itself--a pilgrimage to be discovered by trust and obedience.
Gloria Gaither

Every day we live is a priceless gift of God, loaded with possibilities to learn something new, to gain fresh insights.
Dale Evans Rogers

Puzzled

Do you want to know my most recent obsession?

Jigsaw puzzles.

Wayne is still wondering who I am and what I did with his real wife.

You see, Wayne loves to do jigsaw puzzles. And until 5 days ago, I didn't. I avoided them at all costs. I found no satisfaction in sitting for hours trying to piece together tiny pieces of cardboard into one huge picture that you look at for as long as you allow it to sit on the table space that it occupies in your home, disassemble it and put it away for a long period of time until you decide to waste away hours once again at some point in the future, re-doing the puzzle.

My view on this has now changed. I don't know why. I don't know how. It just has. Since Saturday, we've put together three jigsaw puzzles as a family. One was 500 pieces; two were 700 pieces. And when I'm done writing this post, I'm going to go dig out another puzzle and begin piecing it together.

What I enjoy most about doing puzzles is the fact that all four of us can work on it together. It provides us with a unique way to spend time together as a family, allowing a time for communication without actually having to sit down face-to-face to discuss the issues at hand. And apparently puzzles are a way to increase one's ability to focus and concentrate, which my boys need, especially Mitchell.

So, if I'm not at work, preparing food, cleaning the house, blogging, etc. I'm likely immersed in our family's latest attempt at solving a puzzle.

Jigsaws . . . here I come!

The Blessing of Shopping

Yesterday when I went into work I was blessed by a surprise from my boss. He sent his wife (who also works for him and is actually another boss of mine), along with her three office assistants on a shopping spree at a local mall. We were equipped with a gift certificate, a specialty coffee drink of our choice, lunch and three hours in which to do some power-shopping. Unfortunately, I have yet to spend my certificate, simply due to the fact that the stores I needed to enter in order to get what I wanted were stores we didn't quite make it into. That's fine, though. I can go myself sometime and finish up with my treat. My best friend has some certificates for the same mall, so she and I will probably have a shopping trip sometime later this month.

This "escape from work" (literally) is just what I needed to help get me motivated to return to my workplace. The next four months are going to be busy there, especially as tax season approaches and from what I've been told, we'll be experiencing ultimate mayhem come April.

Over the past several days I've been reflecting on my disappointment (see Friday's post) and the underlying cause of my disappointment. Friends have provided me with suggested solutions to the emotional anguish I've been experiencing and I'm coming to realize that there are other options in managing my thought life regarding myself and my current lack of self-esteem. It's a process. A slow, sometimes grueling process that I lies ahead of me. God's not finished with me yet. Not by a long-shot.

Getting Back into the Routine

I had a horrible sleep last night. I'm not sure why . . . I was in bed by 10:30 p.m. and it didn't take me long to get to sleep, but my dreams were strange and I felt restless all night long. My conclusion is that I'm anxious about today, January 7, 2008. Today is the day that all things go back to routine around here.

It was the return of the 6:00 a.m. wake-up call for Wayne and I. He went back to work in the middle of last-week, but for the boys and I this is the day we return to school and work. I must admit I am not looking forward to it. I've thoroughly enjoyed my two weeks off (maybe too much) and it's hard to envision myself sitting behind a desk for five hours a day, driving for 1.5 hours a day (total), and returning home to wife and mom duties. I know so many people do this. And they don't have the luxury of setting their own hours. But I'm just wishing that I could stay home today. I'm still not completely recovered from what I posted about a few days back, so that likely has something to do with my sluggish attitude.

My boys have mixed feelings about returning to school as well. While they want to see their friends, they'd much rather keep playing at home with me (and their dad when he's home from work). We've spent a lot of time together doing family things during the holidays, and I suspect they are going to be missing that.

But, life goes on. 2008 is still fresh and new and waiting to be explored. Now if only I could find my explorer's hat . . .

Not Alone

I just wanted to thank all of you for leaving comments and/or sending me personal e-mails to remind me of the fact that I actually do have friends that support and love me. Even though I don't get to see (most of) you face-to-face, I needed that reminder that I'm not as alone as I thought I was. And apparently I'm not alone in this particular struggle, either.

Thank you.

My spirits have lifted a bit but I am still in a mode of not understanding, and I guess I may never understand. I'll just have to be okay with that and move on.

When Life Makes No Sense

I have spent much of my day in tears. My hopes and expectations regarding a significant part of my life were dashed this morning as I was given news that I did not expect and definitely didn't want to hear. While I am unable to go into specific details surrounding this (and believe me, I wish I could; this post would make a lot more sense if I could tell you everything . . . but I can't), a decision was made today which has impacted me immensely. It has made me question God's timing and purpose for me and it has caused me to do a lot of soul-searching and reflection on who I am and whom I belong to.

I am feeling unworthy of anything right now. I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone in this world and that my efforts to impact anyone have been futile. I am hurting not because of the decision that was made, but rather over why the decision was made. Why was I not chosen? Why can I not seem to "fit" in? Why do people judge me (us)? Why can't I break barriers and communicate effectively? Why was I led to hope in something that was never meant to be? What is wrong with me that I only have two true friends (aside from amazing sisters) in this world? Why, God?

Fifteen to twenty years ago I struggled with huge self-esteem issues. Now, at the age of 35 the same issues seem to be re-surfacing . . . but for what? So that my boys can witness their mother in tears? So that my husband can struggle to understand a hyper-sensitive, overly-emotional wife? So that my mom can listen to her adult daughter cry on the other end of the phone? So that my best friend has no good advice to give but she knows exactly how I'm feeling?

I know I'm not capable of seeing the Big Picture. I know that God's plans are bigger than mine. But how does one process the negative result that appeared to be so God-driven and God-led? I prayed. God answered "No." But He didn't give an explanation. And I really would like one right now.

Patience is a virtue which I currently do not possess.

Tonight I forced myself to take my boys to our monthly kid's club at church where I have faithfully volunteered for four years. The "theme" this evening was about fear and how God will provide strength and courage when we are afraid, or, as the memory verse puts it, "when our hearts are troubled." My heart is troubled right now. Very troubled.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me." John 14:1

Right now I feel like my capacity for trust is maxed out. I'm in a bad frame of mind. My self-worth is near an all-time low. I want to escape.

I'm going to go listen to It Is Well With My Soul.

We LOVE Pepper!

Goodbye 2007

2007 was one of the best years of my life. Of course, with it being two-thousand and seven, how could it be any better?

Actually, the numerical year had nothing to do with it. What made 2007 great was mostly due to our move to the country at the end of 2006, which gave us a whole new world to explore in 2007. In 2007 I didn't work full-time. I was home more than I was not home. That was a blessing. In 2007 my boys did well in school. They've made new friends and tell me often how glad they are that we moved here. Another blessing. In 2007 I began my adventure in gardening. And I was overwhelmed by blessings in that department. In 2007 God provided for us beyond anything we could hope for. In 2007 God was (and continues to be) faithful and true to His promises. Yes, we were blessed in 2007.

I don't usually set new years resolutions. But I do consider the year past and commit the new year to the Lord and seek His guidance and direction. And that is what I'm doing today as I pour out my thankfulness to Him for every person, every adventure, every blessing, every trial and every experience He will bring into my life in 2008.

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