I'm not even sure where to begin, other than to say that my heart is heavy today. Perhaps for some obvious reasons; perhaps for some subtle reasons. But the bottom line is this: I'm failing at many things in my life right now, and it's cause for concern. My mental and physical health are suffering due to my failures.
First off, I'm failing to maintain this blog efficiently. I miss writing. Unfortunately, due to recent life changes, I've had to evaluate my priorities and blogging does not sit at the top. Oh sure, I still love to visit blogs and I'd love to have more time to write, (I mean, to really write something that requires thought), but to be honest, I think my blog may be nearing its end. My traffic has diminished greatly in the last several weeks and I'm not 100% sure why. I suspect it's because I haven't been "visiting" the blogosphere as much, nor leaving comments like I have in the past; that, combined with my lack of excitement as far as personal posts go is probably the reason for the diminishing visitor numbers.
Secondly, I'm failing in many ways as a wife and mother. While I am thoroughly enjoying my job, there are days where I struggle to maintain an orderly household. Thankfully, my boys do not appear to be suffering as a result of my return to work. On the contrary, I've spoken with both of their teachers in the past week about how they've been doing since I returned to work, and it hasn't affected them at school at all. In fact, Mitchell's teacher said that if I hadn't advised her of my new job, she'd never would have known, based on Mitchell's behavior. She said that most kids struggle in school for a short time (or long time) after their parent returns to work, but he hasn't. Both she and Ty's teacher report all is well in school land. And for that, Wayne and I are grateful; because he and I agreed that my work stint would be short-lived if it was affecting the boys in a negative way. And my check-ins with Wayne regarding my attitude and behaviors at home have proven to be with positive results. Positive in the sense that he's affirming me and encouraging me in how our family is functioning as a whole since I returned to work. And if I think about it realistically . . . everyone is still fed well, clothed in clean clothes and are still having group and individual mommy/wife time. So, maybe I'm not failing in this area as much as I think I am. Sometimes, it just feels that way.
Thirdly, I'm failing in the area of hope and faith. Thomas (my stepson) called us last night to inform us that he's bailing out of the program he's currently in (to help him become functional in the real-world despite his RAD diagnosis), and moving in with his birth mom. For any of you who have not read my other blog entitled, My Life is RADical, this may not make a whole lot of sense to you. If you'd like to subscribe to that private blog, please leave a comment and I'll set you up. If you read the entire story about us and Thomas and his RAD diagnosis, you'll understand why Wayne and I have huge concerns about his plans to live with his mom. This issue is weighing heavily on my heart. Wayne and I both feel somewhat helpless due to the fact that Saskatchewan's Department of Social Services is Thomas' legal guardian, and our hands are tied in decisions such as these when it comes to where Thomas lives. Fortunately, Thomas' worker does not support his idea to move in with his mom, but there's not much she can do to stop him since he's over 16 years old. This is the story in brief, and I hope that those of you who are reading this can make sense of what's going on and sense my desperation and anxiety surrounding Thomas' decision. Ultimately, all Wayne and I can do is leave Thomas in the hands of God and trust that His will be carried out in his life. But that's extremely difficult to do when we very well know that Thomas does not desire to seek God's will right now. All I can say is please pray.
Related to the above issue, I've been struggling a lot with guilt lately over the fact that Thomas does not reside with us anymore. Last night after Thomas' phone call, I was overcome with an anxiety/panic attack because of my guilt. I was his only mother-figure from the time he was 6 until recently, when his birth mom re-entered his life. Despite Wayne's assurances that we did what was best for the entire family, I'm not always convinced of that and it may very well be I second-guess our decisions regarding Thomas for the rest of my life. I'm praying that God will release me from my guilt. I love Thomas and only want what's best for him. God knows that but I'm just having trouble trusting Him in this right now.
Aside from my spiritual and emotional body struggling in the last week or so, my physical body is struggling too. In summer I was diagnosis with being borderline vitamin B-12 deficient, so I've been attempting to increase those levels so that a more serious problem doesn't develop in the future. My B-100 complex vitamin supplement is definitely helping with my energy level, but I have yet to be tested by my doctor since the initial test results, so I'm not sure what's really going on. I'm also experiencing a weird heart-beat issue, which I'm not entirely sure what to make of. From the research I've done, it's probably nothing and apparently is considered "normal" for some people. My heart is "skipping" beats, and I can actually tell when this is happening. And sometimes when this occurs, I also have shortness of breath. This happens when I'm just sitting . . . not when I'm doing anything physically intensive. It's strange. I feel "off" and I'm not sure what's going on, but it's a bit unnerving, to say the least. From my research so far, I could very easily conclude that these heart palpitations are caused by too much caffeine, or too much stress, both of which have increased in my daily life in the last few weeks, that's for sure. So, I'm going to attempt to see a doctor sometime in the near future. I just hope that the heart issue actually happens when I see her . . . I can't make it happen on demand. It just happens, with no forewarning. So, there's another prayer request. Please pray for my health.
And now, my biggest failure is about to be revealed. My personal time with God is suffering. It's not that I can't or don't make time for Him . . . I just feel dry spiritually and I'm not sure how to get through this desert. I've experienced this before and eventually I'm back on track again and no longer feel this distant from Him. So, my head knows that it's likely just a short-term thing, but my heart doesn't. Like I said at the beginning of this post, my heart feels heavy. Yesterday's sermon at church was about living with the Fruit of the Spirit in our lives. I so desperately want that. I want all of the fruit . . . not just some of it. And right now it feels like I'm mediocre at best when it comes to living up to God's standards in this area
So, there it is. My heart on a string.
