Friday Feast #155

No Friday's Feast for me today. I thought the questions were . . . well . . . boring. And I didn't think that my answers to the proposed questions would be overly exciting, though-provoking or insightful. Maybe I should give up on Friday's Feast permanently. Now that the summer chaos is winding down, I may have more time to blog and think up my own topics for discussion rather than depending on a meme.

Or, maybe not.

FYI . . . these are about half of the tomatoes from our garden.
Last week there was a threat of frost, so we decided to pick
some tomatoes and allow them to ripen indoors.
Salsa, here I come!

Eager Beavers

Mitchell and Ty started their new school year today. They were SO excited as they anticipated the arrival of their bus. Mitchell begins Grade 3; Ty begins Grade 1. And Mommy--well, she's lonely. But she's also about to begin a new chapter in her life.

I am now experiencing a bit of "empty nest" and the boys have only been gone for just over two hours. For the first hour I busied myself with errands in and around town. Now I've got a big mess to clean up in the kitchen, due to my lack of organization this morning as I got lunch kits ready for school. But by the middle of next week I should have my system back and things will run more smoothly than they did today. It was a "first day back" for all of us; the boys back to school and me back to the mom of boys who attend school.

For the past few weeks I've been exploring part-time employment opportunities. I was really hoping that a permanent, full-time Educational Assistant position would become available at our school this fall, but that hasn't happened. I'm still on the sub list, but it's very sporadic employment and that doesn't help when it comes to budgeting.

While I am reluctant to return to the work force for many reasons, my main concern is the welfare of my boys and what effect my return to work will have on the family as a whole. For me, it means a sigh of relief financially. The past eight months have been a struggle for us, and if I could bring in some part-time income it would take a lot of pressure off of my husband to work overtime, etc. Overtime is becoming less frequent for him, so we need to take action sooner than later with regards to our ability to pay the bills.

The town that we live in is very small, and childcare is not readily available. That is where my concern for the boys comes in. Even if I work part-time, the boys will likely have to be in daycare either before or after school, or possibly both. That doesn't sit well with me, especially when my daycare options are limited to only one childcare provider in the entire town, and she herself has told me that her daycare is just temporary . . . she's not sure how long she's going to run it. So, that makes me a bit uncomfortable.

Now, having said that, with Wayne working shift work, it does ease some potential issues in a lot of ways. If I could obtain a position where I could work around Wayne's work schedule, then the boys' daycare time would, theoretically, be minimal.

As I've been mulling through this the past few weeks, I've been experiencing quite a bit of anxiety. I have no problem returning to the workforce. I actually think (especially during the winter months), it will be a great thing to fill up my time. Of course, my ideal is working in an educational setting, simply because that means I would have the summer off. And around here, with the way the demands of the garden became evident very early in the summer, time off in July and August would be fantastic. But that would be in a perfect world. And we don't live in a perfect world.

However, I have located two employment possibilities that I'm quite excited about. One position is at a technical institute located in our nearest city, 35 minutes away. The position is administratively-based, which I love, but I'm not overly-qualified for the job, although it's a position in which I could easily learn what is expected of me. And the pay is phenomenal. Not to mention, it's only 18 hours a week, which would be great. The other position just became known to me today. Our local pre-school is looking for a teacher. The pre-school only runs on Tuesday and Thursday mornings; again, ideal hours. But I'm not sure that they'd pay enough for us to benefit sufficiently from the job. However, if I got that job, there would never be childcare issues for Mitchell and Ty, and I could still sub in the pubic school on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

So, I'm in a bit of a quandary. I know I need to trust God in everything, including potential employment. But I thought that would come in the way of a permanent position as an EA in the school. Since that didn't happen, I began to wonder what, exactly, He has in store for me (us). Right now I believe it is one of the two jobs that I mentioned.

If you think of me, please send prayers on my behalf regarding my employment issues. I'll keep you posted on any developments. For the remainder of today I'll be putting the final touches on my resume and composing my cover letters, each written specifically for the two positions I'm seeking.

I realize this post was a bunch of mumbo-jumbo. In a way I felt like I was just listing the issues mulling through my mind about potential work. But sometimes that's what I use my blog for . . . to write my thoughts in order to help me make a decision more effectively.

In any case, thanks for listening (reading).

Blessings to all of you!

UPDATE!!!

About three hours after I posted the above information, I discovered that an Educational Associate position at a Hutterite Colony just 15 minutes away from our acreage has become available. I just e-mailed my resume and thank God for this potential employment opportunity. This position would enable me to be at home with the boys each morning prior to their bus departure, and they'd only have to be in daycare for 30 minutes at the most each day after school. I'm now leaving this in God's hands and as always, seek His guidance for our lives.

More on Tyrone . . .

Ty's day surgery has been changed from next Tuesday to next Thursday, September 6th. Someone else has a bigger emergency than Ty does, so he's been bumped down on the surgery list. So, the saga continues . . .

Close . . . But No Eraser!

Ty's appointment at the ear, throat and nose specialist ended the way that I suspected it would . . . unsuccessfully.

Ty's level of cooperation for the new doctor (Dr. M) was phenomenally better than it was for the foreign doctor we saw on Friday. I could see the pain in his face as Dr. M did his best to remove the eraser from Ty's ear canal, but it eventually became too much to bear. My poor little guy just couldn't withstand the pain any longer and burst into tears about 3 minutes into the procedure. Last time he started wailing within 30 seconds. So, he tried. He really tried.

Dr. M informed me that the piece of eraser is precisely the same size as Ty's ear canal, therefore making it extremely difficult for him to remove under normal circumstances. So, he has now booked Ty for day surgery next Tuesday and hopes to have success with the removal process while Ty "sleeps".

I had really hoped this whole ordeal would be over and done with before Ty starts school this Thursday, but it appears he'll have to miss a day of school next week in order to undergo this minor procedure to (finally) remove the eraser. While I'm not exactly thrilled with the idea of Ty having to have anesthetic at this stage in his life, I have witnessed his pain as he's undergone previous attempts to have the eraser removed while awake, and putting him under seems to be the best solution to the problem.

Yesterday after the appointment and particularly later in the evening, Ty's ear was hurting quite a bit. But, thankfully a dose of Advil and a good night's sleep has given Ty a new lease on today and his ear isn't bothering him at the moment.

The first time I took Ty to the doctor to have the eraser removed, it was just he and I. Yesterday, Mitchell came along as well, because Wayne had to go to work and the timing of the appointment and when Wayne leaves for work didn't jive. So, Mitchell was present while Ty went through yesterday's ordeal, and I could tell by the look on his face while Ty was enduring the pain, that this was difficult for Mitchell to watch. Much later in the day, Mitchell told me that he wished that the eraser would have been stuck in his ear rather than Ty's, because then he would have had to endure the pain instead of Ty. He felt so sorry for Ty that he wanted to become him just for the moment of pain in order to save Ty from it. What compassion. I was near tears when Mitchell told me this. Of course, I felt the same way Mitchell did. I'm sure most parents would sacrifice their own comfort for their child . . . but it was so wonderful for me to hear from Mitchell that he cares that much for his little brother, and that he wanted to take the pain for Ty.

So, once again, I do covet your prayers regarding next Tuesday. I'll find out later today what time this all happens. And I have yet to explain to Ty that he'll be receiving a needle in order to be put to sleep. At this point all I've been calling it is an intravenous line (which is what the ER doctor called it on Friday night), but I haven't explained to him exactly what that is. I'm not sure how well he'll take it . . . but the procedure is almost a week away, so I'd rather not instill any fear in him just yet.

Ear We Go Again

This afternoon we are off to see an ear, throat and nose specialist, in the hopes of the doctor being able to remove the piece of eraser from Ty's ear canal.

I am quite apprehensive about this, based on how badly Ty (re)acted on Friday night when the first unsuccessful attempt at removing the eraser was made. Like I said, worse case scenario is that even this specialist will have to resort to sedating Ty in order to accomplish his mission. But I really don't want that to happen. However, I fear that it will happen.

Ty may never want to see another doctor again.

If you think of us today, please pray for the following:

a) that I will remain calm, cool and collected throughout this ordeal. I don't want Ty to know how much anxiety this is causing me;

b) that the first attempt at removing the eraser will be successful;

c) that Ty will remain calm and still so that the doctor can do his job effectively;
d) that no permanent damage to Ty's ear drum has occurred as a result of this;

e) that Ty's experience won't be so horrible (again) that he is scared of doctors for a long time.

Thanks! I'll post an update later to let you all know how the appointment went.

P.S. Apparently retrieving foreign objects from an ear canal in a child isn't as common as I thought it was. The receptionist from the doctor's office who called to set up the appointment informed me that it is very rare for the doctor to perform such a procedure. That made me feel so much better. NOT!

Nice Matters

Kristy awarded me with this a few days ago (thanks, Kristy!), and now it's my turn to pass it on. And I just found out that Amy nominated me for it too (thanks, Amy!).

"This award is for those bloggers who are nice people; good blog friends and those who inspire good feelings and inspiration. Also for those who are a positive influence on our blogging world. Once you've been awarded please pass it on to 7 others who you feel are deserving of this award."

In no particular order, my seven Nice Matters Award recipients are:

1. Kristy--Right back at you. You are so sweet, kind and genuine. Your blog is full of truth and inspiration.

2. Amy--You are funny and sincere. Your blog brightens up my day.

3. Karla--Your care and concern is so evident in your comments and e-mails. Your blog is about real life as a wife and mother; so much that I can relate to.

4. Michelle--Newly-discovered blogging friend. I love the insight and information your posts provide. And I love that we can "talk" about our Saskatchewan roots.

5. Stacey--A source of encouragement to me. Your blog posts are interesting and full of pictures. I really enjoy visiting your life through pictures.

6. Kim--A very good (and nice) friend in real life. Too bad your blog is private, because I'm sure a lot of people would appreciate your thoughts as much as I do.

7. Beba--You are real. Your heart is in your posts all the way. Your stories of her life in Serbia touch me every time I read them. I love your stories, Beba. Don't stop sharing your testimony.

I appreciate all of the new (and old) friends I've made through blogging. You all mean more to me than I can effectively express on a computer screen.

God Bless You All!

Thirty-Five

Today at 1:13 p.m. I officially turn 35 years old.

Yeah! No more 34. I don't like even numbers, so whenever my birthday rolls around and my new age is an odd number, (especially when it's a combination of two odd numbers, such as 3 and 5), I'm really happy.

Just wait till I turn 77. That will be a great day!

Guess what else happened on August 26th?

55 BC - Julius Caesar invades Britain.

1071 - Battle of Manzikert: The Seljuk Turks defeat the Byzantine Empire at Manzikert.
1278 - Ladislaus IV of Hungary and Rudolph I of Germany defeat Premysl Ottokar II of Bohemia in the Battle of Marchfield near Dürnkrut in Moravia.
1346 - Hundred Years' War: The military supremacy of the English longbow over the French combination of crossbow and armoured knights is established at the Battle of Crécy.
1498 - Michelangelo commissioned to carve the Pietà.
1778 - The first ascent of Triglav, the highest mountain of Slovenia.
1789 - Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen approved by Constituent Assembly at Palace of Versailles.
1818 - The first Illinois Constitution was signed in Kaskaskia.
1839 - The ship Amistad is captured off Long Island.
1847 - Liberia was proclaimed an independent republic.
1858 - First news dispatch by telegraph.
1862 - American Civil War: The Second Battle of Bull Run begins.
1883 - Eruption of Mount Krakatoa.
1914 - World War I: Germans defeat Russians in Battle of Tannenberg, a decisive engagement which resulted in the almost complete destruction of the Russian 2nd Army.
1920 - 19th amendment to U.S. Constitution gives women the right to vote.
1928 - May Donoghue drinks a bottle of ginger beer at a cafe in Paisley, Scotland and finds the remains of a snail in the bottle. She launches a civil action against the drink manufacturer which becomes one of the famous cases in English Common Law; that of Donoghue v. Stevenson.
1936 - The Anglo-Egyptian Treaty, calling for most British troops to leave Egypt (except those guarding the Suez Canal) was signed in Montreux, Switzerland. (It was abrogated by Egypt in 1951.)
1939 - The first Major League Baseball game is telecast, a double-header between the Cincinnati Reds and the Brooklyn Dodgers at Ebbets Field, in Brooklyn, New York.
1940 - Chad is the first French colony to join the Allies under the administration of Félix Éboué, France's first black colonial governor.
1944 - World War II: Charles de Gaulle enters Paris.
1957 - The USSR announces the successful test of an ICBM - a "super long distance intercontinental multistage ballistic rocket ... a few days ago," according to the Soviet news agency, TASS.
1961 - The official International Hockey Hall of Fame opened in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.
1968 - The Beatles' "Hey Jude" is released (in a shortened version) as a single in the United States under the Apple Records label, to spend nine weeks as number one, a record for any Beatles single,.
1970 - The third annual Isle of Wight rock festival, which would feature the last UK performance from Jimi Hendrix, opens in Great Britain.
1972 - Games of the XX Olympiad open in Munich, Germany.
1976 - Raymond Barre becomes Prime Minister of France.
1974 - Charles Lindbergh, the first man to fly solo and non-stop across the Atlantic, died at his home in Hawaii; he was 72.
1977 - Charter of the French Language is adopted by the National Assembly of Quebec
1978 - Papal conclave, 1978 (August): Pope John Paul I is elevated to the Papacy. Also, Sigmund Jähn becomes first German cosmonaut on board of the Soyuz 31 spacecraft.
1980 - John Birges plants a bomb at Harvey's Resort Hotel in Stateline, Nevada.
1985 - 13-year-old AIDS patient Ryan White began "attending" classes at Western Middle School in Kokomo, Ind., via a telephone hook-up at his home; school officials had barred Ryan from attending classes.
1986 - In the New York "preppie murder" case, 18-year-old Jennifer Levin was found strangled in Central Park; Robert Chambers later pleaded guilty to manslaughter.
1987 - President Ronald Wilson Reagan proclaims September 11, 1987 as 9-1-1 Emergency Number Day.
1988 - Merhan Karimi Nasseri arrives at Charles de Gaulle International Airport.
1995 - The International Rugby Board lifts all restrictions on payments relating to the game of Rugby Union, thus bringing the game's amateur age to an end.
1997 - Beni-Ali massacre in Algeria; 60-100 people killed.
2002 - Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Éric Gagné converts his first of a record 84 consecutive successful save opportunities.
2003 - Columbia Accident Investigation Board releases its final reports on Space Shuttle Columbia disaster.
2004 - The nation's supply of vaccine for the impending flu season took a big hit when Chiron Corp. announced it had found tainted doses in its factory and would hold up shipment of about 50 million shots. Also in 2004, at the Athens Olympics, the U.S. women's soccer team won the gold medal by beating Brazil, 2-1, in overtime. Also in 2004 pop singer Laura Branigan ("Gloria") died in East Quogue, New York; she was 47.
2006 - Basshunter's Boten Anna is the first Swedish-speaking number 1-hit in the Dutch Top 40

credit for this trivia to: alt.obituaries.com

He Thought He Could Erase His Mind

Yesterday, right before supper, Tyrone informed Wayne and I in the most reassuring way possible that he could still hear.

That's good. "Why was Tyrone telling us this?" we wondered.

Then he broke the news to us. As part of a game he and Mitchell were playing, Ty stuck a piece of eraser into his ear hole. It was from my favorite pencil . . . white with blue polar bears on it and had a blue eraser. Apparently at some point in time, the eraser broke off (or was torn off--more likely of an explanation in this household), and Ty found this piece of broken eraser in his room and proceeded to, as part of his game, stick it into his ear. When he tried to get it out, he pushed it in further and further, until there was no way his fingers could grasp it anymore.

What to do?

Wayne looked into Ty's ear with the assistance of a flashlight and confirmed that yes, he could see a blue piece of eraser stuck in Ty's ear. But there was no way we were about to use anything we have in this house to remove the foreign object. Too risky.

Again, Ty reassured us that he could still hear. He said his ear didn't hurt. It just felt strange. But, he could hear.

We ate a quick supper and I dashed off with Ty to the minor emergency clinic situated closest to where we live, which took us 35 minutes to get to. Once at the clinic, Ty happily played while we waited (a long time) to see a doctor I could hardly understand. He was foreign and had a strong accent. First he asked Ty if he was a "big boy" and Ty said he was. Then the problems began. The doctor took his "ear tool" and began to work on getting the piece of eraser out of Ty's ear. Unfortunately, this caused much pain to my little guy, and as soon as that pain set in, Ty was not too cooperative about allowing the doctor to remedy the problem.

Because of Ty's uncooperative spirit (read: he was freaking out!), the doctor, in the best English he could speak, proceeded to tell me that sedation was required in order for this piece of rubber (as he referred to it) to be removed. He immediately got on the phone with a local hospital and was transferred to about four different people in a 15-minute time frame. He told each person on the other end of the line the same story about how he had this six-year old boy, with a piece of rubber stuck in his ear canal, and his inability to remove it, and that Ty needed sedation. He also stated that Ty was in a severe amount of pain.

Transfer after transfer, he was finally directed to the office of an ear, throat and nose specialist, but all he could do there was leave a message with a call-in center. He was informed by them that a note would be left for the doctor and his secretary would call me on Monday or Tuesday in order to set up and appointment for Ty to be checked-out. Monday or Tuesday?!!?!!??!! That didn't sit well with me. Nor the foreign doctor.

Fortunately, the foreign doctor had some connection to a doctor in the ER and made arrangements for me to take Ty there. So, about 45 minutes later, after driving across town to the ER and getting registered and waiting in lines for a long time, Ty was examined by the ER doctor. This is the same ER doctor that had to remove a foreign object from Mitchell's eye just three months ago. I'm not sure if he remembered that incident or not, but I was relieved it was him because he did such an excellent job of remedying Mitchell's problem and Mitchell remained calm and relaxed throughout the entire procedure. Unlike his brother, who literally had to be peeled off the seat he was grasping onto in our car as I tried to convince him that the ER doctor would be nicer than the first doctor we saw earlier that evening.

Anyways . . . the ER doctor laid out the options. One option was to give Ty some Advil and some ear drops to help relieve the pain and sensitivity. Then, wait it out and visit the ear, throat and nose specialist as soon as an appointment could be set up. A second option was to try to "flush out" the piece of eraser, and then once the ear canal was wet, use a suction-type tool to attempt to remove the object. A third option was for the ER doctor to use exactly the same tool that the first doctor had tried. The fourth option was to give Ty an I.V., sedate him, remove the foreign object, wait for him to wake up and take him home.

Obviously by this point, Ty had suffered a bit of trauma due to the first doctor-related incident. I definitely did not want to put him through that again. The ER doctor's recommendation was to wait. While Ty would be in some discomfort over the next few days, this was our best option. Because the foreign object wasn't alive (i.e. an insect), nor was it food (i.e. grain), there was no cause for concern. As he put it, he thought perhaps a mountain was being made out of a molehill in this case. Not that he was discrediting my concern for Ty. He understood why I was eager to have this piece of eraser removed as soon as possible. But when he told me that there was no harm in letting it sit there for a few days, I felt better.

He said that because the ear throat and nose doctor had more specialized tools to remove foreign objects, he advised waiting for the call to visit him for a successful removal of the eraser. Worst case scenario for this option is that Ty might, possibly, freak out again, and then the specialist would sedate him in order to remove the object. But that would be a last resort.

So, after Ty received a dose of Advil, we left the ER and purchased his ear drops. He's doing better now. He says the pain is gone but it still feels strange. I'm sure it does.

Now, it's a waiting game. I've got to wait for yet another appointment to be made, and for another doctor to wonder what on earth a six-year old boy was doing playing a game that required him to put a piece of eraser in his ear. I don't wonder about that kind of stuff anymore. Nothing Ty does surprises me. Nothing.

Straightening Out the Derailment Issues

On Wednesday I posted about mine and Wayne's decision to end any possibility of us having any more children in the future. I just re-read the post today, and first of all I'd like to thank all of you for your kind encouragement by the way of your comments. I do appreciate them. But I think I should clarify a couple of things regarding my thoughts surrounding the topics covered in that post.

Firstly, I certainly hope I have not offended anyone by what I wrote. I write true stories from the heart here at Mission: Kim Possible! so that's what you should expect when you visit my blog.

Secondly, for those of you who are, or who have ever had to endure infertility problems, I apologize for my potential insensitivity to you. I realize that I may have come across sounding selfish and like I was having a mini-temper tantrum because I didn't get the family I had always dreamed of. I was just sharing my feelings honestly. And I have a small, very tiny, sense of what it must feel like for a couple to be told they can never have children. I'm not sure how well that would have sat with me, had I been given that news after months and years of trying to conceive a child. But on a strange level, I think I understand a little. So, if that is you, and you are reading this, I empathize.

Thirdly, I want you all to know that I am thrilled with the family that I have. Maybe you thought that by what I wrote that I take my existing children for granted. I don't. Believe me, I don't. They are my pride and joy. And I wouldn't trade them for anything. I wouldn't trade my Thomas, Mitchell and Tyrone for anyone else.

Fourthly, my boys know they are loved and wanted. While they also know I'm sad we don't have a little girl in our immediate family, they know that I totally accept them for who they are as boys. I never want them growing up thinking that I regretted having them because they're boys and not girls.

Lastly, and this is likely going to be a potentially touchy subject . . . Wayne and I believe in birth control. Or shall I call it family planning? To us, it represents being responsible. Sure, we could potentially have 8 kids right now, but it would have been irresponsible for us to have an exceedingly large family, knowing that the emotional and financial burdens we'd experience by doing so would have meant that our children may have had to struggle in a world where they had two stressed-out parents who weren't very good parents at all because of the demands on their body, time, energy, etc. God has given us free will. That does not mean we are supposed to be stupid. Don't get me wrong . . . I admire people who can manage large families; in fact, I wish we were capable of having a larger family. But it just wasn't in God's plans for us.

We spent a lot of time in prayer as we contemplated the creation of our two children together. God has blessed us. He has given us the tremendous responsibility of being parents, and it's not something we take lightly. My most important ministry on this earth at the moment is that of being a mother. I often lose sight of that, but my children's faith journey is mine and my husband's responsibility. It is our duty to "train up our children" according to God's word--a difficult task in today's world.

And Now . . . Friday Feast #157

Appetizer

Say there’s a book written about your life. Who would you want to narrate the audio version?

Me.

Soup

Take the letters from your favorite kind of nut and write a sentence. (Example: Perhaps every avenue needs understanding today.)

Pink emits calm and niceness.

(Lame sentence, I know. But you try doing this . . . it was hard!)

Salad

If you could go back in time and spend one week in another decade, which decade would you choose?

1950's, suburban America. I'd love for it to be "okay" with society for me to be a just a housewife, living in my big house with a white picket fence.

Main Course

Name a song that brings back memories for you.

Insensitive by Jann Arden. Eleven years ago, Wayne and his friend planned a double-date for me and my best friend (she's married to Wayne's friend now), and we had no idea what we'd be doing for the date. It was a surprise. Well, as it turns out,we went to a fancy restaurant, followed by watching two movies, one of which has become one of my all-time favorite movies, Bed of Roses. In the movie, Jann Arden's song, Insensitive plays during a very emotional part of the movie . . . a part which always makes me cry. So, I like the song because of the memory it brings me of mine and Wayne's dating days, plus it reminds me of my favorite movie.

Dessert

Do you prefer to wash your hands in cold water or warm water?

Warm water. And soap. I always use soap.

Baby Train Derailment

You will now all find out what all the drama around here has been about the last few days . . . for some of you this post will seem ridiculous . . . for others, you may be able to relate. Whatever the case, here's my story:

When my last baby was born, never in a million years did I think he'd be the last baby I'd ever conceive. In mine and Wayne's mind, there would be at least one more child added to our family, somewhere along the line. But six years and two months later, that option is no longer an option.

On Friday, August 17, 2007, Wayne underwent minor surgery in order to prevent any more procreation in our family unit. For the record, this was a mutual decision that he and I arrived at several months ago, but the emotional roller coaster I've been on since the reality of this set in has been anything but enjoyable.

Some of you may be able to relate, others not. Perhaps, for whatever reason, you too have grieved your decision to end the baby train. But I know of many couples who are emphatically "done" and for them, making a permanent decision in this area came easily, likely with a celebration to follow.

For us, the decision did not come easily; obviously, since it took us six years to finally decide what we were going to do about expanding our family or not. Many factors played into our decision, the biggest one being the tremendous amount of stress we were under as a result of my stepson's RAD diagnosis. (For those of you who have not had the opportunity to read about my life as the step mom of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, you can gain access to my private blog, My Life is RADical, by leaving me a comment after this post, expressing your interest. I will then set you up so that you can read my story.)

Due to my own personal level of stress, and the effect all of the stress was having on our already existing children, Wayne and I thought it best at the time not to proceed with more children, so long as things were as bad as they were. And I do believe that was the responsible thing to do. There have been many times that I have thought to myself over the years, perhaps we shouldn't have brought other children into the world at all, subjecting them to the home life they lived in while Thomas lived with us. But on the other hand, my two babies were the best thing for me at the time. They were my reason to keep on living, as there were many, many days where my spirit was wrought and I wanted to end my life. But knowing that I was responsible for my babies helped me press on.

Two years ago, Thomas moved out of our home and at that point we re-visited the baby train again. However, stress in our lives surrounding his issues did not vanish just because he didn't live with us anymore. On the contrary, a new form of stress evolved as we worked through our own grief and mourning as a result of his departure. It wasn't until a year after he was gone and we could be completely sure that he would not live in our home again, that we started discussing the baby thing again.

If we had proceeded a year ago with trying to conceive a child, he/she would now be just a few months old. But since that time of revisiting the topic, we were faced with the opportunity to relocate to a new town so that we could live closer to Wayne's workplace. The move took precedence, as we worked on renovations in our then current home to get it ready for sale, while working out the details of purchasing our acreage where we currently live.

As time moved on, the topic of another baby was always put on the "back burner" for my husband. But for me, it was always on my mind, all-consuming to the point of being ridiculous. I'd talk with Wayne about it, and he wasn't overly enthusiastic about the possibility of another child one day, and then the next day he was gung-ho to proceed. But we were both so unsettled. Really unsettled. And it didn't help matters at all that Mitchell and Tyrone were pestering us for another brother or sister. A sister is what they mostly asked for. But with Wayne already being responsible for bringing three boys into this world, I never gave them much hope that they'd ever get a sister, even if we did have another baby.

This brings me to another thing I've been grieving over, and that is the fact that I am not the mother to a daughter. Don't get me wrong. I love and adore my sons. When Mitchell emerged into the world, Wayne and I were both shocked to discover he was a boy. Our intuition was way off on that baby! But we were very pleased to have a healthy son. When Ty was born I was thrilled for Mitchell to have a baby brother so close in age to him. I was wishing for Ty to be a boy. In the back of my mind, another baby would still be born to us . . . a baby daughter.

Call me crazy, but I always imagined myself as the mother of girls, not boys. I don't know why. That's just what I dreamed of. But God, for whatever reason, did not make me the mommy of a little girl. But I do believe that one reason for that is because of the environment my children were forced to live in. Due to the nature of Thomas' RAD behaviors, my already extremely-heightened sense of fear for my babies would have doubled or tripled if we been given girls.

But there is still a part of me that secretly wishes I could have had a daughter. People tell me that I'll get my girls someday by way of daughter-in-laws or granddaughters, but that hasn't been very comforting to me right now. After all, doesn't it appear in most situations that daughters tend to gravitate towards their mothers as adults, and not their mother-in-laws? And what about my sons? What if their wives despise me so much (as many people do of their mother-in-laws), that they never call, write, visit, or whatever the case may be? I know my boys adore me now, but will they still in twenty years?

Last year when I went for my annual physical, my doctor and I discussed the possibility of my having another child. While she did not forbid me to have another one, she was concerned regarding the expediency at which I deliver babies . . . Mitchell: about 2 1/2 hours total labour and delivery time; Tyrone: less than one hour total labour and delivery time! Yeah, she had reason to be concerned. Another concern of hers was my age. At the time I was just turning 34 and she strongly advised against a baby after the age of 35. Fine. That gave Wayne and I one year to decide whether or not to proceed.

Well, this spring, as we had already settled into our new residence and quite enjoying the peace and seemingly stress-free world we now found ourselves in, we began the debate once again, over the possibility of another baby. Like I said earlier, it was an all-consuming thing for me. And it seemed that every Sunday in church, I'd either hear about another pregnancy or another baby announcement was made. My best friend informed me of her third pregnancy, and another good friend shared with me her intentions to try for her fourth child. And these two women are both older than me.

So, I began thinking about babies all the time. And how a baby would fit into our lives, six (plus) years later. Because I was constantly thinking about this, I was almost being driven crazy. I knew that August 26th, my 35th birthday, was soon-approaching. It was do or die. But my husband wasn't on the same page as me, or at least a couple of lines off of the page I was on. While he could not commit 100% to a positive go-ahead on this, there was no way I was going to push it. I know how hard it is to parent when both parents are on board, so I wasn't going to risk failure and frustration if he wasn't in complete agreement with me about this decision.

That's when I began to pray. Of course, I had been praying all along, that God would somehow settle this. But one day in late April, I asked God to please, if another baby wasn't what the future held for us, then take away my desire, my strong desire, to have another baby. The other thing I needed help with was getting over the fact that I was daughter-less. So, I waited. I waited for God to give us direction in this matter, and to help Wayne and I come to an agreement on what the future would hold for our family.

Within a week's time, my desires were beginning to fade. I seriously considered all factors pertaining to another pregnancy and the affect that another child so many years later, would have on our entire family dynamic. God tested me in the area of trusting Him for what He knows is best for us. My biggest hurdle was getting over not having a daughter. I felt reassured by God that He chose me to be the mother of sons for a reason, and I would have to wait to find out the true benefits of only having sons. Once I was able to accept that fact, dealing with the realization that a baby was not likely in our future became easier to accept.

When I shared with Wayne that my desires for another child were waning, I think he was relieved. Not that either one of us would ever be disappointed if we found out we were expecting and hadn't planned it . . . we would both accept it as God's blessing. But I think his relief came in the form of knowing that I had finally derailed the baby train. There would be no more talk of this; no more obsessing; no more listing the pros and cons; no more mulling. Yes, he was relieved.

As the day of Wayne's surgery approached, I began to second-guess our decision. I asked Wayne the night before if he was still okay with what was about to happen, and he said "Yes." He asked me the same question back and I replied, "Don't ask. I'll never be okay with it. But I know deep down it's the responsible thing to do."

I do know deep down that we did the right thing. We're in a totally different place in our lives now, and I've been trying to seize this new-found freedom (in a way), but instead, the last few days have been a time of mourning for me. I've been grieving the "what could have been". I know it's not right to stay in this place emotionally forever. And I won't. In fact, today I finally feel like I'm finally doing better with this whole concept of family completeness, which is why I'm finally able to write about it. But I don't think there's anything wrong with spending some time emotionally, grieving and accepting what has happened. It's something I need to do, and I'm doing it. I'm working through this and look forward to the day when I can look back on this experience and maybe even laugh about it.

Last night Wayne and I had a really great talk about how I've been feeling, and it made me feel so much better to get it all out in the open. Not that he didn't know what was going on in my mind . . . he did. He could tell by the way I was acting. But it just felt good for me to tell him where I was at, post-surgery.

Yes, my baby train has been derailed. But I've got to embrace what I've got right in front of me and be the best mom I can to the boys I've been blessed with. I don't want to live a life of regret. And I won't. It's time to move on.

Hymn Origin

My good blogging friend, Kristy, left me a comment after yesterday's post, providing me with the following information regarding the hymn, It Is Well With My Soul. Many of you may already know the origin of the song, but I really wanted to share this with all of you. (Thanks for the information, Kristy.)

Horatio G. Spafford lived, with his wife and four daughters, in Chicago. He was a lawyer by profession and a devout and sincere Christian.

One day in 1873 he stood on the quayside in Chicago and bid farewell to his family as they set sail to visit relatives in far off Europe. He was not to realize that he would never see most of them again.

Some days later their ship, bound for Le Havre in France collided with another steamship in Mid-Atlantic, and sank almost immediately.

Before it did so, however, Mrs Spafford was able to have a prayer with her children and commit them to the mercy of the Lord. That was the last time she would ever see them on this earth.

Fortunately, a lifeboat spotted Mrs Spafford and she was rescued. When she arrived in Britain, with the rest of the survivors, she sent her husband this brief, but telling message: 'SAVED ALONE.'

The words struck Horatio Spafford with full force, and, understandably, plunged him into deep sorrow. He left for England, without delay, to comfort his grief-stricken wife.

The great American evangelist D.L. Moody and his associate, singer Ira D. Sankey, were conducting a campaign in Edinburgh at the time. They were personal friends of the Spaffords and came down to London to give whatever help and comfort they could. They found their friends in surprisingly good spirits, strong in faith and able to say through their tears, 'It is well; the will of God be done.'

Three years after that tragedy, Mr. Spafford wrote his hymn "It Is Well With My Soul", in memory of his four precious daughters. Happily each of them had personally received Jesus Christ as Savior before embarking on that fateful voyage.

It would be very difficult for any of us to predict how we would react under circumstances similar to those experienced by the Spaffords. But we do know that the God who sustained them would also be with us.

It Is Well

My favorite hymn. I'm clinging to this today.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

- Words by Horatio G. Spafford, 1873
- Music by Philip P. Bliss, 1876

Feast One-Hundred and Fifty-Six

Appetizer
Describe your laundry routine. Do you have a certain day when you do it all, or do you just wash whatever you need for the next day?

Good question. Long answer. My designated laundry day is Friday, carrying on into Saturday. However, there are many days not designated for laundry, but somehow, become laundry days. This happens more often than I'd like it to. My explanation for it is two-fold: first of all, we have too many clothes; secondly, I live in a house with three boys, two of them under the age of 7, and one of them (my husband) is a welder. He can never wear the same thing two days in a row due to how dirty he gets at his job. It makes for a lot of laundry.

Soup
In your opinion, what age will you be when you’ll consider yourself to truly be old?

Some days I already consider myself old. I'm turning 35 in nine days, and to me, that seems old. But on the other hand, I still feel pretty young. In fact, there are lots of times that I feel like not much has changed (as far as my own age perception) in the past 17 years. I'm in the best physical shape (currently) that I've ever been in, and I believe that I am also the most emotionally stable right now too. To me, that part of aging is welcomed--growing-up, so-to-speak, in the emotional sense. I'm happy to be the age I am.

I just re-read what I wrote for Soup. My brain is fried today. You'll have to excuse any answer(s) that doesn't (don't) make sense.

Salad
What is one of your goals? Is it short-term, long-term, or both?

Wow. These questions today are really tough. As in labor-intensive. One of my goals is to live a life of contentment. I do believe that I've made huge strides in this in recent months, and continue to work towards this goal, which is both long-term and short-term. It's a goal that will never fade away.

Main Course
Name something unbelievable you’ve seen or read lately.

I just read in a Maclean's magazine this morning that the average size of a Canadian family today is only 1.8. That means, 1.8 children per couple in this country. Apparently, we require an average size of 2.1 in order to "replace" ourselves. Unfortunately, Wayne and I are unable to help the country with this so-called political crisis. Yes, the politicians are fearing for the future of our country due to the reduction in babies being born here. That shocked me. Especially since it seems that while on vacation (in Canada), every corner I'd turn, there would be (another) pregnant belly staring me in the face, reminding me that I will never be in that state again. Waa. Waa. (More on that later. The Waa. Waa. I mean.)

Dessert
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how happy are you today?

Today, as in August 17, 2007? Well, despite the fact that there are 2 sevens in today's date, and August happens to be one of my favorite months, I'm not that happy. This week has been tough on me emotionally. But that's a topic for another day. It's got to do with how I answered the previous question. Check back next week and you'll find out why today isn't the best day of my life.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

Cheez Whiz has Personality. Apparently, so do I.

About the ESFJ

"Guardians of birthdays, holidays and celebrations, ESFJs are entertainers. They enjoy and joyfully observe traditions and are liberal in giving, especially where custom prescribes." - ESFJ Profile (TypeLogic) "ESFJs are people persons - they love people. They are warmly interested in others. They use their Sensing and Judging characteristics to gather specific, detailed information about others, and turn this information into supportive judgments. They want to like people, and have a special skill at bringing out the best in others. They are extremely good at reading others, and understanding their point of view. The ESFJ's strong desire to be liked and for everything to be pleasant makes them highly supportive of others." - Portrait of an ESFJ (The Personality Page) "...values relationships and families over intellectual pursuits, group oriented, follows the rules..." - Jung Type Descriptions (ESFJ) (similarminds.com)

"...take it upon themselves to arrange for the health and welfare of those in their care, but they are also the most sociable of all the SJs, and thus are the great nurturers of established institutions such as schools, businesses, churches, social clubs, and civic groups." - The Portrait of the Provider Guardian (Keirsey) "At work, ESFJs contribute their ability to cooperate with others and to complete tasks in a timely and accurate way. They respect rules and authority, and handle daily operations efficiently. They tend to be well informed and up-to-date on organizational actions that matter to people. They do what they can to make sure that personal relationships are running smoothly. Because they pay close attention to people's needs and wants, they are often involved in work activities that meet people's practical, day-to-day desires." - ESFJ - The Helper (Lifexplore)

"Trust God where you cannot trace Him.
Do not try to penetrate the cloud
He brings over you;
rather look to the bow that is on it.
The mystery is God's; the promise is yours."
John MacDuff

ALERT! New RAD Post!

There is a new post on My Life is RADical. Please see sidebar for more information.

Feast One-Hundred and Fifty-Five

{Featured Flickr Feast by kumquatgirl}

Appetizer
What is your favorite kind of pie?

My very own chocolate pie. Pastry crust. Homemade chocolate pudding. Real whipped cream. Yummy-oh-so, oh-so-yummy!!!

Soup
Name something that made you smile this week.

My vacation!

Salad
What do you do to cool off when the weather is hot and humid?

I try to stay indoors and sit in front of a fan to cool off. I also drink lots, and lots and lots!

Main Course
You receive $1,000 in the mail with a letter that says you can only use the money to redecorate one room in your home. Which room do you pick, and what do you buy to spruce it up?

My kitchen . . . change the floor to ceramic tile and install new counter tops to match the floor!

Dessert
Fill in the blank: My best friend says I talk a lot, but I really have cut down in the last 10 years or so.

Who Let the Dogs Out? Who? Who? Who? Who?

My dogs are driving me B-O-N-K-E-R-S!!! My little Alaska is currently in heat; which means my Harpo currently has a one-track-mind. And since he's not allowed to have access to her at the moment, he's complaining about it. A lot.

All I hear day in and day out is bark, bark, barking. It doesn't matter if he's inside or outside. It's just bark, bark, bark, all day long.

Perhaps if Wayne weren't working nights this week I wouldn't be concerned. But he really needs to get some sleep during the day, and it's hard enough keeping the boys quiet, let alone a male dog who wants what he wants.

Despite my attempts to keep my dogs apart for the moment, I do have a secret fear that they may have bred while we were on holidays. If they did, I guess we'll be having some puppies around here come October. But only time will tell.

Now I'm going to go pour some cold water on Harpo. Just kidding.

P.S. I forgot to mention that I'm also "puppy-sitting" a mini-dachshund for a friend of mine as well for the next 10 days. Thankfully, he's a fixed puppy. And he's cute. But one more dog in the mix right now is trying to say the least.

I Relish the Thought!

After writing yesterday's post and facing the facts in front of me, I realized that the cucumbers and peppers that have come to complete fruition in my garden needed to be dealt with. A.S.A.P.

So, with the help of two very excited boys, we turned some of our cucumbers, onions and peppers into relish last night. It was a lot of fun, and to celebrate our creation, today for lunch we enjoyed smokies roasted over an open fire and loaded them up with our relish. The verdict: delicious!

Due to the fact that my cucumbers and peppers seem to be producing a crop over time, there will be more "mini" batches of relish made over the next several weeks.

And, I'm also thrilled to announce that yesterday we totally savored our first taste of fresh-grown corn from our very own garden!!! Remember the storm from a few weeks back . . . well, it didn't seem to hamper the corn's ability to grow sweet kernels after all. The corn was delicious. So we ate it at two meals, not just one.

Yesterday after lunch I overheard the boys talking, and I just smiled to myself when I heard Ty tell Mitchell, "That corn was so good. I could really go for another cob."

So, I found a few more cobs and made more for supper. The result: VERY happy boys!

I Need Another Vacation!

We got back from our mini-vacation this morning at 1:30 a.m. But I already feel like I need another vacation!

I'm tired and have loads of work to do in order to keep up with everything that continued growing while we were gone. My relish and salsa preparation days will soon be upon me. My apples are going to be ready for picking soon too. And today my peas will experience their last day of harvest. The corn and potatoes are better than ever. Yes, the garden did just fine while I was gone.

Despite the fact that I'm very tired right now, our vacation was WONDERFUL! I don't think I've ever had such a great time with my husband and kids. For the most part the boys got along well and they were exceptionally obedient when we were out-and-about visiting museums, the zoo, science centre and other educational explorations. I'm so proud of them! And my husband . . . calm and cool through some very unfortunate "We're lost!" moments. And I was the happiest I've been in a long time.

I'll write more and get some pictures together too, once I've got a bit more free time on my hands. My printer is currently at the electronics hospital, and I need it in order to download my pictures, so it may still be a week or more before I get all the pictures up on my blog.

So many stories to tell. But you'll have to wait.

Feeling Better

I thought I should update you all on my current health status. I'm feeling BETTER! Praise the Lord!

Yesterday after I posted I did a couple of minor things and solicited the help of my husband and boys . . . they did more than I expected, which eased my load a lot. Then, I decided to head undercover in my bed for a hour before Thomas arrived . . . but he called late morning and said they were behind schedule and he wouldn't be arriving until 2:00 p.m. at the earliest. So, that gave both Wayne and I a chance to get some more recuperative napping in, and our younger boys . . . well, they blew us away with their ability to get along and find safe and productive things to do while we were resting.

By the time Thomas had arrived at 3:10 p.m., I was feeling at 80% of my potential wellness, and was quite capable of completing my tasks for the day and even managed to pull off a very delicious supper.

Today, I'm back to 100% and am busy packing and doing the last-minute things that are required prior to leaving on a mini-vacation. I'll let you know all about it next week after I return.

Have a GREAT weekend, everyone!!!

Friday Feast #154

Please note: The green on this post is driving me crazy . . . but for some reason, Blogger isn't allowing me to change the color to something that would coordinate better with my blog's look. I just wanted you all to know that I did not intentionally choose this color for my responses to this meme.

Appetizer
On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how polite are you?
8.5

Soup
What was the last thing that made you laugh out loud?
My son, Ty. He made his own breakfast this morning . . . too much cereal, too much milk, and guess who gets to eat the leftovers?

Salad
Who is your favorite cartoon character?
Arthur

Main Course
Tell about the funniest teacher you ever had.
I didn't really have any funny teachers. The only funny thing I can remember any teacher doing is during Chemistry class--the teacher imitated being a molecule. That was pretty funny.

Dessert
Complete this sentence: I strongly believe that motherhood is the most important job on earth!

Come feast with others over at Friday Feast

God Carry Me

God, carry me today.

Upwards all the way.

My tasks seem insurmountable.

I am weak.

You are strong.

I put my trust in you

as my source of

comfort in dismay.

I've been sick all last evening and throughout the night with what is either the stomach flu or food poisoning.

Earlier in the week both Ty and Mitchell suffered with this illness as well. Fortunately for them, it was only an 8-hour thing. They bounced back quickly and easily; or so it seemed at the time. Wayne has been down and out too, starting with feeling sick the same time as me, but he did not suffer as badly as I when it came to the symptoms I was dealing with all night long. My food wouldn't stay inside of me and decided that either end of my body to exit from would be acceptable. However, it wasn't. Acceptable, that is. I just experienced one of the worst nights ever.

I am feeling somewhat better this morning, but I've got a big day ahead of me. Thomas is coming to visit for the day and he'll be here around noon and leave early evening. While we all want to see him, I'm not sure if I'm totally up for the challenge. As many of you have read my Reactive Attachment Disorder posts, he is a trying child. And even though he doesn't live with us anymore, challenges still arise each time he visits us. And, for obvious reasons, my level of internal tension rises with each passing moment in anticipation of his arrival. (I'm sorry for those of you who are new readers to my blog; I'm sure this isn't making complete sense. But trust, me, it makes total sense to me.)

And in a couple of days we're leaving for a mini-vacation and I've got that on my mind too; I've got lists, lists and more lists of things to do and things to pack. Enough said.

Because Wayne isn't feeling so well himself, I can't rely on him to help me as much as I normally would in a situation like this. And my little boys? Well, at the ages of 6 and 7, while they are concerned that I'm not feeling well, they aren't completely capable of creating two meals just yet. Although, they did make their own breakfasts this morning for which I am truly thankful.

I came to a realization last evening that children don't appreciate having a momma who's ill. I got the impression from Mitchell in particular that Mommies should never get sick. I agree. They shouldn't. But unfortunately, they do.

And let's face it. I'm not Wonderwoman.

You Guessed Right . . . More Scripture

God is strong and can help you not to fall.

He can bring you before his glory without any

wrong in you and can give you great joy.

He is the only God, the One who saves us.

To him be glory, greatness, power, and

authority through Jesus Christ our Lord

for all time past, now and forever.

Amen.

Jude 24-25 NCV